the anti-butterfly effect

the end

2004-11-03T01:44:00.000+08:00

This blog's lifetime is officially over. Thank you for all those who, at one time or the other, dropped by and read the thoughts written beneath no matter how incoherent or depressing or blatantly boring some of them may seem. The effort you gave is all that matters, folks. Thank you.

The end is, of course, inevitable. I've written about it a few times, especially when I wrote about that "mood" for writing. But eventually, it doesn't boil down to the mood. It boils down to how honest one's blog has become. I guess I just thought that this blog hasn't been as honest as it was when it began. And so I end it.

It's been a wonderful 9 months.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

justice

2004-10-18T23:20:00.000+08:00

What is justice?

Justice is when, after waking up at 730 in the morning (a time you're not accustomed to), and after doing some errands a roommate has given you, you are able to catch that breakfast meal you've been craving to eat in McDonald's or Jollibee. Injustice is when, after waking up at 730 in the morning (a time you're not accustomed to), and after doing some errands a roommate has given you, you still have to search the entire Katipunan block for a functioning ATM, and upon finding none, you thereby miss those delicious pancakes you've been craving all night last night and you have to settle for a lousy Burger Steak breakfast instead.

Justice is when, upon realizing that lunchtime is near, you go to the nearest ATM to withdraw money and you get it, thereby enabling you to partake of a very sumptuous meal. Injustice is when, upon realizing that lunchtime is near, you realize that you have not yet been able to withdraw money, and when you do go to a nearby ATM, you see that it doesn't want to have a transaction with you, and when you go to the next, you see that it still doesn't want to have a transaction with you, and so on and so forth, and finally you have to ask your friend to lend you money, which makes you indebted to so many people that both you and they have lost count.

Justice is when, after getting an invitation for dinner, you walk a long distance from your dorm towards your meeting place, glad to find a working ATM and finally having a taste of that elusive homecooked meal. Injustice is when, after walking a long distance from your dorm towards your meeting place, you find that the ATM is OFF-LINE, and now you have to ask your blockmate to walk with you as you search the entire Katipunan block for a working ATM, and still you find none, thereby forcing you to ask your blockmate to lend you money again, which makes you indebted to an additional person, and since you have lost count of the number of people you owe money to, it might as well be adding one to infinity.

Justice is when, upon hearing that your computer is so slow that it can be mistaken for a turtle, your roommate immediately installs his extra 128 MB RAM in your computer and presto! Your computer's sluggishness is no more. Injustice is when, upon trying to fit that long slender thing in the slot in vain, you and your roommate realize that what your computer needs is a DDRAM, not an SDRAM which his is, and when he bolts the CPU back into place, the monitor suddenly won't show a goddamn thing.

Justice is when, after packing up the clothes you wish to bring to Zambales tomorrow, you look for one of your most favorite shirts, and you see it lying neatly inside the cabinet, all washed and fragrant. Injustice is when, after packing up the clothes you wish to bring to Zambales, you look for one of your favorite shirts and find it missing, prompting you to search high and low for it, spoiling your day further, and making you lose a teeny little bit of excitement for the whole vacation thing.

Justice is when you have money for the trip to Zambales tomorrow. Injustice is when you have none.

But what is justice really? Is it really what I'm looking for? I think what I just want to have is 1) a functioning ATM, 2) an extra 128 MB DDRAM, and 3) a cool outfit to wear. Is that justice? What is justice?

Justice is having to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Justice is having clothes to wear.

Justice is having to study on a vacation and enjoying it.

Justice is having a wonderful friend who's always going to be there for you, no matter what.

Justice is having a blockmate to help you when you're in need, even when things happen in the spur of the moment.

Justice is having a roommate whom you can rely on.

Justice is having a bosom buddy whose ears are always attentive, whose mind is always open, and whose heart always stays in the right place.

To the defenders of justice. To justice.

vacation?

2004-10-16T21:12:00.000+08:00

Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

IT'S VACATION TIME! :)

Instead of going back home, I'll be staying in the dorm. I'll immerse myself in junkfood while watching a cheesy flick or a horror movie, drown myself in warm and fuzzy blankets and pillows, and engage myself in many battles with Kagami and Kouryu. I'll sleep late, and I'll do everything in a slow, sluggish, I'm-definitely-not-stressed manner. I'll text people asking them about their vacations, chat with people in YM at night, and watch Star Circle National Teen Quest in the TV room above me. I will definitely do all these, and I will definitely enjoy myself.

Except that I'll be doing all these things only for today, and for tomorrow. Hee.

By Monday, I'll be studying. I've mentioned this once, I've mentioned this twice, I'll mention it again: I will be preparing for my acturial exams this November 4. Yes, that means that my vacation will be marred by this endeavor, but no matter. I think I'll thoroughly enjoy myself (and that's not just justifying anything). Every day for the next two weeks Joey and I will be at McDonald's (or any house), poring over chi-squared functions and triple integrals. I don't know, it's suddenly all just exciting for me. Hee.

Okay, this will be the last time I'll talk about this (crosses fingers). Hee.

excitement

2004-10-13T18:50:00.000+08:00

Some things to be excited about.

1. End of exams. I'm almost there. Just three more days. Three more days.

2. Zambales. How does a three-day, two-night, all-expense-paid-and-taken-cared-of trip to Zambales with 15 other teenagers sound? Yeah. I thought so.

3. Laguna. How do homecooked meals and fresh air sound? Again: I thought so.

3. Studying for the actuarial test. I'm such a geekoid. I'm really excited about the idea of solving Statistics and Calculus problems during the break, can you believe it?

4. The actuarial test. I've mentioned this last week, I think, but this could be my future job. Great!

And just one more thing: WAHOOOOOOOO!!!

sunday morning

2004-10-10T13:36:00.000+08:00

The weather's nice this Sunday morning. I'm here seated in front of the computer, wondering when I'll begin to study for my Theology Orals, but the weather is so fine that I just want to sit here all day. Nah. Not really. I just want to relax first before diving into Goding Theory (as Fred fondly calls Theology). I love studying, right? Hee.

But the weather is really nice. It brings out the less violent, yet more consistent emotions in me (now I'm channeling Hume). Like gratitude. I feel thankful for everything nice that has happened to me. I feel thankful for every single person who appreciated me. I feel thankful for the things they did to make me feel that I'm special. I don't know what this is all about, but it's just that I have this immense feeling of peaceful happiness coursing through me right now. Weird, but nice. Ticklish nice.

I wish all my mornings were like this. :)

examination of examinations

2004-10-08T13:26:00.000+08:00

Before anything else, to those who were able to catch my ten things entry and are just shocked to see it gone: Well, a piranha entered my brain, chewed it to pieces, took over my biological processes, and ordered me to delete the whole thing. After which said piranha decided to swim away with part of my rational brain in its stomach. I was able to regain control of some of my sanity (yay! good for me!), so here I am, explaining that it was not my fault. It was that damn piranha's. If, however, your curiosity got the best of you, feel free to text, YM, e-mail, or talk. Don't expect too much, though!

Anyway.

I have two exams left. So how were the first three? My philosophy orals went well, I think. After the orals, though, I got the results of my last exam, and it was depressing as hell. And I thought I knew how to answer philosophy questions. I guess I thought wrong.

My math orals (yes, yes, such a thing exists) went, well, OK. I think my answer for the Easy question was right (thanks Wamar and Joey), but I felt that I was too nervous to make any lucid arguments. I nailed the Easiest question, but I blundered my way out of the Easier question. My teacher had to guide me through that one. He was particularly nice, though, so even if the whole thing was a disaster, I'm glad he knew me and seemed to be OK with me.

The history report was disappointing. Sam and I planned the whole thing to be this spectacular ending to an otherwise mediocre semester in history, but forces outside of our influence went against us. So instead of ending the reports and the semester with a BANG!, it ended with a Pfft. So much for that B then.

There. Three down, three more to go. I have another orals in Theology on Tuesday, a paper in Finance to pass on that same day, and an Actuarial Exam on Saturday. After which, I'll be out on a trip with my blockmates. That would serve as my only rest for this semestral break. The rest of it will be spent on studying for my very first actuarial exams (my future job! yay!), to be held on the first week of November. I'm so excited, I just can't hide it.

That's it for now.

the bliss of studying

2004-10-06T01:18:00.000+08:00

This realization occurred to me last night as I was leaving McDo from hours of philo studying: I love studying. Yes, I love it. Not in the general sense of studying which means "going to school and becoming a student in a specific course for 4 years" but the particular sense of it which means "going to a place in Katipunan and becoming a nerd in a specific subject for 4 hours." It grants me a sense of accomplishment that only a few activities I do ever can give me. There's this high I feel of knowing that I, though studying, have contributed to my welfare as a student. Of course, that's some pretty deep shit, but what I'm really saying is that I have, through studying, made efforts to increase my QPI, and thus my chances of landing a good job in a good company. But then again (forgive me for correcting myself so often), that's just the long-term part of it. At that moment of studying, that's not even what I'm thinking. That high seems to stem from the fact that I have accomplished something, that I have become productive just for once. I guess that's the real reason behind it.

I think I'm going to feel this high more often for the next two weeks. I have a Philosophy orals for tomorrow (of which I have not yet finished studying for), a Complex Analysis orals for Thursday (yes, we do have orals in Mathematics), a History reporting for Friday (that does not require studying, but it does require some academic preparation), a Theology orals for Tuesday next week, and an Actuarial exam on Saturday. Wish me luck, guys, and if you ever see me on campus wearing a huge smile on my face, you don't have to ask me why.

* whirl, whirl, whirl *

2004-10-03T23:39:00.000+08:00

whirl whirl whirl

the world spins and spins and spins * there he is * there * by the window * but the moon * spins and spins * his shoulders must be tired * the world must be wondering * where is he? * but there he is * and so am i * the world just watches * just waits * just wonders * watches, waits, wonders * whirl, whirl, whirl * headache * the world is evil * but * a blur * my mind is a blur * my mind is a whirlpool * no * yes * no * yes * no * again, that hole * that hole inside my heart * i wish i never left * move in * i must move in * movement * like whirl * the whirl, whirl, whirl * the shoulders must be tired * the hands must be tired * the back must be tired * is that a voice fading? * is that a voice coming? * doppler effect, indeed * headache * headache * falling into slumber* falling into darkness * love * i love * i miss * i love * i love * love, oh, love * 27 * it is 27 * love * love * I LOVE * i must break * i must surrender * i must fall * fall * crack the barrier * crack the obstacle * crack the darkness * BRING FORTH THE LIGHT! * 2 weeks * 2 weeks, then rest * need rest * need to be with love * need to be with calmness * need to be myself * need, that need, that need * gnaws * eats * another kiss from the moonlight that shines upon my soul * in the end, it is between me and myself * a duel between the voice that says yes, and the voice that says no * WHAT THE FUCK IS ALL THIS? * stop it * stop * a smile * hee * that smile * i want to rest in that place where the stars shine brightly during the night * where the food is homecooked * where the mother and the sister and the two brothers eat with the stranger from the south * where the lakes are plenty and where the wind blows strong * where the air is calm and the mood is full of rest * where the atmosphere is love * where the heart is clear * where the mind is rested * where there is peace * where there is peace of mind * watch me lord over myself * i am the captain of my ship, the master of my soul * oh yes, i am * watch me * watch me * i will survive this *

whirl whirl whirl
whirl whirl
whirl

...

that mood for writing

2004-09-30T21:50:00.000+08:00

My enthusiasm for this blog has somewhat waned. I'd like to think that it must be the stress of my academics taking its toll on my writing, but deep inside, I know that is not the case. There have been many times when I've been busy and haven't been able to blog, but the moment I get the opportunity to blog, I blog. Right now, that fire, that mood for writing is gone. Looking at it in another perspective, however, maybe my academics do play a crucial part in affecting my writing. But that is not the only reason.

Another reason is that I'm getting tired of the way my blog looks. Suddenly, I have this drive to create images and overload my blog with pictures. Suddenly, I have this urge to make this blog uber-fantastic. Hee. It's ironic, really. I distinctly remember that the demise of my very first blog (brandnewwreck.blogspot.com) was the result of too much blog ambitions. Have I never learned? Well, maybe, but we need a little bit of perking up sometimes. We don't want to get too monotonous.

But the main reason of all, the big fish that swallows all others, is that I feel I have not been truly truthful in writing on this blog. It's not that all of these things are fantastic lies; I assure you they are as honest as honest can be. OK, maybe "truthful" is not the word I'm looking for. Perhaps "reticent" is. That is, I hesitate a lot when I write my entries. I try too much to be careful, to be on the safe side. And the problem lies herein. A lot of things don't get mentioned. I feel that I have not been completely myself. Sometimes I wish I could just write with reckless abandon, without having to fear the backlashes or the consequences. Sometimes I wish I could just let go and let loose. What's stopping me, then? Well, a lot of things. They do need not to be mentioned here.

Sometimes I miss my old journal, the one whose entries were written by hand during godforsaken hours, each comment separated by a floating point. Those were pretty fucked-up entries, but boy, were they liberating.

fear

2004-09-28T23:01:00.000+08:00

I've been fearing for my grades these past few days. I don't know why this has to happen to me at such late a time, or why it has happened to me at all, but there you go. My heart has been at a constant state of unease ever since I've realized that it's nearing the end of the semester, and my grades have taken a nosedive into oblivion.

Yeah, well, I might be exaggerating a little there, but the fact remains: the horizon isn't so bright anymore. I just got a freaking 40/100 in Complex Analysis, and this is one subject this sem which I really loved and whose teacher I really appreciated. How much worse do you think I'd fare in other subjects which I loathe and whose teachers I despise? Sigh. I do not like my academic life this sem. Not one bit.

As of last sem, my over-all QPI has averaged at 3.38 or 3.39, which entitles me to graduate With Honors. After this sem, I fear that this average will go down to a level that entitles me to graduate With Nothing. And what saddens me most is that I promised my parents (especially Papa) that I'll graduate with an honor standing at the very least. If he knows the current state of my academics, his heart will be crushed. He has such huge expectations of me.

My only wish right now is that even if I don't become a Dean's Lister this semester, I must be able to salvage my grades such that my QPI will not go below 3.2. That way, I can work my ass off the next semester just to maintain a higher-than-3.35 standing, guaranteeing me a spot in the Honors List.

This entry has become an academic rant. Hee. I don't want my grade-consciousness to be exposed so blatantly, but my fear has to have an outlet somewhere, and the blog is always a convenient socket (aside from friends who I burden with my rants, hee).

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Just a side comment: One of the subjects which I fear to have the most impact on my grades this semester is my Philosophy 104. I have not been paying much attention to his class this sem, and besides, even if I did, I do not like his way of teaching. It's too disorganized for my tastes. It seems like his train of thought jumps from one track to another, and before I know it, he has already mapped out the entire lesson for the session. (Unlike Ms. Azada last year, whose style of teaching was one I truly appreciated.) Just to clarify things, I do not dislike the teacher because I think he's not brilliant; in fact, he is truly one of the most brilliant people I know. It's just his way of teaching that upsets me.

Now, to my point (what a side comment, huh?). I have a test this Thursday regarding Kant and Hume. I have been at my wit's end trying to find a way to gain knowledge of what these two philosophers are talking about. I felt really helpless and hopeless. I felt that I knew nothing. But miracles do happen. AA has a copy of a commentary regarding Kant written by Josef Velasquez. It is the clearest, easiest-to-follow commentary regarding Kant I have ever seen. In 2 hours, I have in mind the gist of Kant's philosophy. I am eternally relieved right now. My fear has somewhat subsided. Thanks, AA, and thanks, Josef Velasquez. You are saviors.

i'm still alive

2004-09-23T18:35:00.000+08:00

Just a quick post before I dive into another hell.

1. Colin and Christie lost. Damn. I hate Chip and Kim with the heat of a thousand burning suns and yet they win. By being last in the airport. How fucked up is that?

2. Just had my Complex Analysis test today. I feel good about it, maybe I'll get 80+ this time. As opposed to the 40/100 I received for the last test. Sigh. My academics are going *kafut!* this sem. This semester sucks.

3. Joey's mom just Fed-Exed the actuarial application forms! Yay! Hopefully they'll receive it by Friday. Here's to that crucial first step! :)

4. Last Tuesday, Jel and I bought his new computer! Another yehey! It's a really cool thing, and I'm glad he's got something to entertain him while studying law. Haloo Jeland, don't hog the computer too much! :)

This is it for now. I have a Theology test tomorrow, and I have got to study. Must revive academics before academics crumbles in front of my face!

colin and christie - you are team number one

2004-09-11T21:27:00.000+08:00

I love Colin and Christie. Many people think Colin's such an asshole, or Christie's such a submissive doormat, but I don't really think that is the case. Many functional relationships are plagued by arguments and fights, and in a race as intense as this One, these negative feelings are bound to come out at any time. Yes, to a certain extent Colin is a dick, especially during that time in Tanzania, and I disapprove of that behavior. But really, I tend to believe that it's more of an exception rather than the rule. (When I talk of "exception" here I'm talking about that particular extreme behavior in Tanzania, not his general tendency to get mad at Christie, which I think occurs more often.) Given the stress and the overly competitive drive Colin has (I have more to say about this later), it would be understandable-- not justifiable, just understandable-- to get that response from him.

As such, I believe that Christie is no doormat, either. Although it has not been shown that much in the show, the Insider videos in the CBS.com site clearly shows that Christie will step her foot down if Colin becomes unnecessarily obnoxious. She can hold up on her own, and the way she negotiates with taxis and countermen and women show a certain kind of authority on her part. She is not merely a placeholder partner for Colin to run the race. As Colin himself states, Christie gives the directions, and gives the right ones at that. If not for Christie, he adds, the race would have been over for them.

This brings me to my final point which is to say that, in this race, competitiveness matters. That is why I love this team. Despite all the misunderstandings, the jackass behavior from Colin, and the occasional childish behavior from Christie, they have managed to get themselves in the 1st place six times, and in 2nd place, two times. I will not compare these amazing finishes with other seasons due to the lack of FF's and the appearance of the Yield, but this still is a big thing. With these victories under their helm, one cannot attribute their wins solely on luck or the stupidity of other teams. They are one hell of a team when it comes to racing. As one poster in a forums I frequently visit says, "They are the only team which tries to come in first at every leg. Everyone else is content not to come last." Which is true.

As I've said, I don't want to be friends with them if ever the opportunity comes up. But since there's a TV screen separating me from them, I'm going to root for the team which works the race the most. And that's Colin and Christie. Go TEAM! Go for Number ONE!

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Just a little note: Now that I think about it, I forgot to tell everyone that The Amazing Race came here in the Philippines! Yahoo! The previews show a frustrated Colin pushing an araro or plow, muttering "I hate you" in a strangely sobbing way. (I believe that that "I hate you" was directed at the kalabaw or ox, not at Christie, but then that's just me.)

And on another little note: I really have this very bad feeling that my favorite team will be the ones to go next week. I don't know, it's just something bothering my gut. I really hope I'm wrong on this one.

toothache

2004-09-07T21:50:00.000+08:00

Last week has been a major ordeal for me. I suddenly had an attack of the dreaded toothache. I think this has got to be the most annoying pain a human being could ever experience. It's so painful you want to kill yourself, but in reality, it's a pain that wouldn't really kill you. That makes it so annoying.

So what have I done about it? Many people have recommended going to a dentist, but I really don't feel like doing that. It's not that I'm scared of dentists and their sharp metal scissors and their probing latex-gloved hands, but-- what was I saying? Yeah, I'm not scared of dentists. Anyway, what I did was to get my hands on as many painkillers as possible (generic name: mefenamic acid). I don't know if it worked, but it must have, or else I would have been writhing on the floor during those times when the pain was at its worst.

It has subsided now, thankfully. It bites every now and then, but now I find no reason to face the dentist's chair, and all things evil associated with it. At the same time, I found a reason to justify my long absence from blogging. Hee. Forgive me, guys, I am but human. :)

A-Z. 26. Happy.

20 anecdotes, part four

2004-08-31T22:00:00.000+08:00

And finally, the last part of the 20 anecdotes series.

16. Same PE Class, different game. What we had to do this time was to bend backwards and try to race our way to the finish line. (I think this is what they call "crab-walk.") Unfortunately for me, I moved a little too fast too soon. My hand bent backwards in a way that it was not supposed to, and before you know it, someone was screaming "Si Kerwin namumutla!" and the whole field (which was green, but in my vision it was yellow) was merging together in front of my eyes. That was the only time I recall when anything of that sort happened to me.

17. Biology was the only subject for which I had a morbid fear of. Every time the Card-Giving day came around, I was biting my nails in anticipation of a 2 or-- gasp! a 2.25-- in this subject. Who would actually like dissecting frogs? Or pricking yourself to test if you were AB? Or drinking chicken dung mixed with sodium bicarbonate and lactate acid? Okay, that last one was hypothetical, but who knows right? With the recent biological trends and all?

18. One of the things I realized in high school was that teachers are human, after all. They don't always see students' mistakes! Consider the time when I combined the lyrics of songs with my Methodology in Chemistry, wondering if I would be caught. Guess what happened? I was not caught. I got a huge check mark instead.

19. I spent nights on end trying to finish that damn Senior Year Sweet Valley High Series. I was then inspired and tried creating my own story. Unfortunately, due to my Stephen King background, I ended up with a novelette about teenagers in love... with desperation and disaster.

20. And of course, that obsession with the movie The Faculty starring my reel idol, Josh Hartnett. How can I forget those times when I screamed in sheer joy when Tessa gave me a videotape of the film, those times when I researched for the ingredients of cocaine because Zeke (Josh's character) sold them, those times when I sat in front of the computer and memorized his freaking lines, and those times when I really felt like a really, really, really cool bad guy?

There. I'm done.

20 anecdotes.

20 years.

Looking back, it seems like it was always one blunder after another. Looking at the present, though, I see my friends, my family, and those who are dear to me, and they seem glad that this one wrong of a guy turned out to be right after all. Thanks guys, you made my 20 years of life worth living.

20 anecdotes, part three

2004-08-28T21:08:00.000+08:00

This is the third part of the 20 anecdotes series. Enjoy browsing through my embarrassments!

11. During the same year (Grade 4), I was asked by my utterly horrible Homeroom teacher to strip in front of the class. No, not out of utter sadism, but one of my classmates caught my friend and I engaging in *very shocking* sexual conversations. She told our Homeroom teacher about it, and in her *shock*, she asked me to strip in front of the class. I don't know if it was in jest (I doubt) but what am I to do? I'm a growing kid. I need to know these things.

12. One of the worst things I did as a kid I did during the sixth grade. For our Home Economics class, we were asked to create a lantern. I did not pass any lantern, but inadvertently passed a project as my own. Inadvertently. Hindi sinasadya. When asked by my teacher if I passed the project, I rose up and positively sputtered: "Pinass ko na po." She then asked for witnesses who saw me pass the lantern, and many raised their hands. I was dumbfounded. It turned out that the lantern I carried for my friend was the lantern they saw. What a narrow escape!

13. Same year. I used the money my parents gave me for my Ateneo de Davao High School application forms to buy a Hardy Boys book, which was unusually high-priced. I was not able to take the exam. Thank God I passed the Pisay exam or I would have ended up in the ditch.

14. Same year. I didn't go home early in favor of a Sailor Moon Playstation game with my friends. MOON BUNNY POWER! Hah.

15. And then came high school. I was not the opposite of who I was in grade school, but to a certain extent, I was. I was more academic, thinking more of how to raise my grades, and I was nicer and kinder to my parents and to others, and I was less rash and clumsy. However, this does not mean that I had no moments of weakness. I had moments of weakness. Consider for instance the time when we played agawan-base for PE and I tripped over my own feet. I skidded across the cement ground and got my elbows and knees scraped. I had to go to the clinic to have it cleaned and gauzed. That was a fun afternoon!

The last set of anecdotes will come soon. Hahaha. This is way too fun. I don't have to think of creative posts anymore! Kidding. Regular programming will be back after the last set of anecdotes.

20 anecdotes, part two

2004-08-25T22:48:00.000+08:00

So let's continue this and let's get it going on.

6. Jeffrey, that kid whom I had a fistfight with, won during that fight. I eventually had my revenge. We were playing darts, and when it was my turn to throw the dart, I threw it in his direction. It landed on a sore on his leg. Tee-hee. I think I went up to him and asked if he was all right. Score!

7. When I finally went to school (kindergarten, I think), I was first a very shy and very silent little boy. I remember looking out the windows while my teachers were discussing some ABC's and 123's in class. One feisty teacher, however, noticed me daydreaming, and in her frustration, took an eraser from the ledge of the blackboard and sent in hurling towards my direction. I do not remember whether it missed or not. As these things go, it probably didn't.

8. I graduated valedictorian in kindergarten. As valedictorian, I had to recite a speech which my father made, and to my little brain at that time, that speech was 20 pages long. (I found the speech years later, and found it to be only 3 paragraphs long.) I did not like memorizing it. At all. So one day, while Mama and Papa were teaching me the speech, I gave some excuse to enter the house. What I actually did was escape through the back door. My mother spotted me, and, with a broomstick in her hand, chased me through the boarding house and swatted me with it when she finally caught up with me. Even her friend could not stop her from expressing her wrath. Ouch!

9. My older brother tells me that when I was a baby, he used to lift me by the feet to bump my head on the concrete floor. I don't believe it one bit, but on second thought, it's something he would try... I think.

10. After Zamboanga, we transferred to Davao. I studied elementary at Ateneo de Davao University. During Grade 4, my Work Education teacher asked us to create an embroidery. To those in the know, this means punching a needle with a yarn to and fro a cement sack until you get a fluffy embroidery creation. But I did not do that. Instead of a needle with a yarn, I glued the yarn on the cement sack. I got a D for Doofus.

That's it for now. There's more to come!

20 anecdotes, part one

2004-08-23T22:16:00.000+08:00

As part of my birthday series blogs (This is my third blog about my birthday and all stuff 20, so let's just make it a series, OK? Walang aangal!), I'm going to write about 20 of the most memorable and funny events that I have ever had during my entire lifetime.

1. When I was 5 or 6, I placed my head under the faucet to bathe myself. I just loved the way the water rushed through my hair. Unfortunately for me, I forgot that that water had a source, and that source was directly above me. I immediately lifted my head up. Guess what happened? The back of my head scraped itself against the faucet, carrying with it a generous chunk of hair and skin. Never ever did merthiolate become that painful.

2. When I was around 7, I loved to run across the green "lawn" in front of the house we lived in. Note "lawn." It had rocks all over the place and it was perhaps run over by weeds of the tripping variety. In short, it was a dangerous lawn. Well, I was victimized by the lawn once. I tripped on a weed, and my foot scraped itself on a rock. I lost my little toenail. My mother boiled guava leaves in water, and I submerged my poor foot in it until the pain eventually went away.

3. It was also near that same house where a black cat decided to have a field day with my hands using its paws. The merthiolate struck again!

4. Near our house in Zamboanga was a boarding house. When I was around the age of 6, I rushed upstairs the boarding house only to see a huge hole gaping on the floor. I was curious and decided to dangle myself from that hole. What a stupid move, right? It was. I was so scared of falling, that I screamed and screamed for help. I forgot what happened next. I probably survived.

5. One of the inhabitants of that evil boarding house was a little kid named Jeffrey. (I was also a little kid, then, and Jeffrey was older.) For some apparent reason, he was the only person I had a fistfight with. Ever. During my entire life. I don't know what triggered that killer instinct in me. Perhaps it was his annoying face.

That's it for now, folks. I'll continue the rest of the anecdotes by tomorrow. Good night and enjoy laughing at my expense! :D

THE AMAZING RACE

2004-08-23T21:16:00.000+08:00

I think the hang-over from the birthday surprises and celebrations my friends gave me have not yet left my system. That in itself should be worthy of note, as this is the only time I've received two celebrations for my birthday. But yesterday, Sunday, I had to correct myself: "Make that three." A friend of mine gave me what was probably the most unexpected birthday celebration I have ever had.

This friend gave me the ultimate gift: an Amazing Race of my own.

I cannot anymore spare the very details, as my hands are tied and my head's full of colorful memories. Let it suffice to say that I was led from a boarding house in Makati, to a mini-store in JP Rizal Avenue, to a DETOUR choosing between two ways of transportation, to a leg-numbing race to catch a delayed bus, to a wonderful, wonderful place in Sta. Rosa, Laguna, to a ROADBLOCK involving a wizard with a white beard, to a ship that tilted 90 degrees to the very pinnacle of the sky, to a peaceful relaxing wheel, to a wet and wild river ride, to a wet and wild raging rapids, to a ride that blasts to space, to a dizzying FAST FORWARD dilemma, to a YIELD which was not planned yet appeared to be that sign which indicated that yes, the universe conspired for us, to a moviehouse which featured robotic wives, and finally to a satisfying PITSTOP which had details all of its own.

Let me take time to catch my breath.

Jel, you've been a really great friend to me. Thank you for the effort. Thank you for the thoughtfulness. Thank you for everything. We've been through this one amazing race, may we be together for the other seasons to come.

that gap they call schoolwork

2004-08-21T20:31:00.000+08:00

Sorry for the huge gap in blogging. I've been tired these past few days (but happy!) so I was not able to tend to my blogging needs. Don't worry, after my Theology Orals this Monday, I will be back to take my place at the helm again. Till, then, ta-ta!

happy birthday

2004-08-13T22:44:00.000+08:00

i'm still quite reeling from all the overwhelming thoughtfulness, so this is going to be brief.

to everyone who made my transition from the teen years to, well, the non-teen years memorable and eventful, thank you. to those who braved the rain, thank you. to those who risked failing an exam, thank you. to those who sacrificed a class, thank you. to those who got stressed over the gifts, thank you. to those who went out on a limb to organize the surprises, thank you. to those who flirted with embarrassment, thank you. to those who came close to danger, thank you. to those who offered part of themselves for this day, thank you.

to those who texted, e-mailed, or called, thank you. to those who greeted me along hallways, corridors, and paths, thank you. to those who slapped, pitik-ed, and patted their greetings, thank you. to those who spent time writing on the cards and the album, thank you.

to those who remembered, thank you.

and to those who loved, a bigger thank you still.

a day of surrender

2004-08-08T20:08:00.000+08:00

My first thought upon hearing that we would be having a Day of Prayer was one of apprehension and shock. What? I thought. I don't even attend mass, and you now force me to attend this? If someone in my class had argued against the Day of Prayer during the class discussions, I would have been on his or her side immediately, clamoring for a postponement, or better yet, a cancellation. But it was not to be. No one complained. Not even a breathy whimper. Not even a dramatic sigh. So we had our Day of Prayer.

The first part of the Day went on smoothly, as it were. Our Theology teacher gave us some Songs and Psalms to reflect on, and as we sat there, meditating, she played some religious instrumentals which I thought were wonderfully serene. During this period, my mind went back to the time when I had my last recollection. I realized that it was oh-so-long ago. Perhaps it was 6 years since that time when I was forced by my parents to attend a Youth for Christ Youth Camp. I couldn't say "NO" then because my father was planning to buy us a personal computer that summer. I had to be nice.

But that Camp was, first and foremost, a disaster. I didn't want to talk to anybody, since nobody there appealed to me at first sight. There were a few who approached me, and eventually became my "dinner-mates," but for all intents and purposes, I was all alone. My "dinner-mates" even referred to me as Bato (Stone) or Stranger. I think I could never recall any other encounter that bruised my social skills as much as that Camp did.

However, I do remember that I found the Camp a pleasant place to reflect. It was quiet and peaceful, and the activities the organizers created made use of that rare opportunity of silence to try to "convert" us into the ways of Christ. Well, it didn't occur as sneaky as I wrote it here, but nevertheless, I responded to whatever it was they were doing. I sang the songs with all my heart, I praised God and Jesus Christ as sincerely as I could, and I gave my self up to them during the baptism rites. In a certain sense, yeah, I was converted, but then two weeks after that Camp, I reverted back to my old bad ways, and in many aspects the old bad ways have gone to something worse.

I arrived at the College Chapel in this state of "badness." Now, six years is a pretty long time. Whatever devils that may have been unleashed inside of me will be quite difficult to exorcise in just a day's worth of prayer. This is made evident by the fact that, upon knowing that we would have to confess our sins after our sharing, I immediately swore to myself that I would not confess. The devils inside me must have had a field day trying to convince me that confession is NOT the way to go. But something about the serenity of the place, the melody of the music, and the company of people I was with prompted me to stand up and sit beside one of the available priests. After six years, I was finally able to confess again.

The feeling is indescribable. I felt a censor acting on my thoughts, driving away impure and nasty thoughts. I felt a sensation of lightness within. I felt calm and at peace. And although my doubts did not melt away, I did not feel the negativity brought about by these doubts. As I knelt and did my penance, I found solace and comfort. I felt that, finally, I would have some answers to the burning questions inside my head.

I don't know how long this state would last. Perhaps it would last for two weeks, just like the Camp. Perhaps it would last longer. Perhaps it would last shorter. It just gladdens me that somehow, I was able to release myself to a higher power today, that I have surrendered.

through the blurry looking glass

2004-08-07T00:05:00.000+08:00

There are no clear visions of what lie ahead. They are like snapshots of a forest at night, an icy pane on a window upon which a child peers through, a reflection upon murky waters. I glimpse what's there, but that's that. A glimpse.

But what does this glimpse consist of? Never mind precision, for one can never really be precise. What matters is that one has an idea of what's in store for him or her in the future. Whatever piece of the mystery is made available at this time will surely help in preparing one for the shocks that may soon come looming ahead.

In the next 3 months, I glimpse myself seated in an airconditioned room in the US Embassy, taking the first of several tests for the actuarial track I plan to pursue.

In the next 7 months, I glimpse myself dressed in a flowing blue toga, coming up onstage to acknowledge the fact that I have just graduated.

In the next 9 months, I glimpse myself in a boarding house in Makati, excited at the prospect of interior designing my room, and even more excited at the prospect of my next-door neighbors. :)

In the next 10 months, I glimpse myself dazed at the actuary in front of me, awed at the certificates he has on the wall behind him.

In the next 12 months, I glimpse myself huddled in my desk, sifting through "important" documents, a cup of brewed coffee on one hand and an inspiring text message in my cellphone on the other. :)

In the next 24 months, I glimpse myself returning to the Ateneo with a nostalgic heart, moving through the hallways of the dorm, meeting 2 years' worth of new faces, and 2 years' worth of old ones.

In the next 48 months, I glimpse myself seated in a bustling airport, feeling the familiar coldness of the ring on my left hand as I wait for a certain plane to land, trying to think of the day when I first thought of all this, and thinking how lucky I am that I have come this far.

The plane arrives, and when the passengers from the plane start flocking through the airport, I smile. My lucky charm has arrived.

apology

2004-08-03T19:22:00.000+08:00

I couldn't express it any more clearly than my emotionally slow and seriously handicapped personality can allow, so I'll just use this overplayed but perfectly brilliant song to whatever purpose it may serve.

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you...

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something that I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your fears
That's why I need you to hear

I am sorry. I apologize.

I wish that I could be a better man.

I'll try to be a better man.

hasta la vista, julio; bienvenido augusto

2004-08-01T11:09:00.000+08:00

It's finally August. I love this month for some reason I can't really put my finger on. Hmmm... :) I feel like a new day has risen, a new season has started, a new creation story has begun to unfold. I feel rejuvenated. I feel... I feel GOOD!

And I must say that July ended with a bang. Sam, Joey, and I finally went to Zirkoh, a place we've been dying to go to for months. It's a comedy club of sorts, a place where the mainstays sing and crack hilarious jokes althroughout the night. Dead air was a non-occurrence. Their stock of witty repertoire never seemed to run out of steam, and their voices were so unbelievable that it's not surprising that most of its mainstays have reached heights in singing competitions. He who has reached the highest point so far is Michael Cruz, the guy we went to Zirkoh for, but unfortunately he was the only one not present there. (Must be depressed for not being safe in Star in a Million.) Still, we had fun, what with all the sexiness, naughtiness, and bitchiness going on inside the club.

With that said, let me put down in writing my resolutions for this month I call my favorite. These will be brief, but enough to keep me going.

It's been said in the previous post: Less time on the virtual, more time on the real. I plan to concentrate my efforts on trying to regain what has been lost during the first two months of classes, and to be aware of what is to come in the next four months or so. In other words, academics come first. Ben and I have devised an ingenious academic strategy, and hopefully it works.

Finally, never sacrifice anything if there is no need to sacrifice. Never sacrifice food for money; never ignore academics for a social life; never neglect someone for someone else. Moderation of everything is key; a balanced mindset will carry me through the rest of the semester.

I hope that these two resolutions will stick in my head as this month moves along. Life is too short. If I can't achieve these now, when will I ever?

slacker

2004-07-30T19:11:00.000+08:00

Maybe it's because of the overwhelming positive emotions that I'm currently feeling, or the overwhelming negative questions I'm currently asking, but I'm definitely slacking on my studies right now. A college-wide first happened to me today: This is the first time I forgot about writing a paper. I looked at my planner awhile ago and saw the note: SONA RXN. PAPER. It's not that I was not told; my planner proved to me that. It's just that I totally forgot. I felt really horrible, and realized that I have not been the student I used to be (whatever that was). So I did a check on all the subjects I'm currently taking, and this was my assessment:

HISTORY: Eeek! Nooo! Aside from not having written a reflection paper on GMA's SONA, I also missed a ten-point quiz, went completely bonkers (i.e. was completely wrong) on another, and didn't quite make the grade on some others. I realized that I could not get an A on this subject any longer, but must still struggle to capture that B+.

THEOLOGY: Seriously, I don't even know why I'm here. Not that I'm completely lost; I just feel like a grade-school student struggling to keep up on my CLE class. Although my long test was relatively okay, the fact remains that I have not been very diligent in reading the assigned chapters. It's time to change that.

PHILOSOPHY: Last year, Philosophy was my favorite non-Math subject (Statistics being that Math subject). I enjoyed the teacher, I enjoyed the lessons, I enjoyed the whole thinking process. But this year, not quite. I feel that I'm not really absorbing everything. The lesson is just too abstract, and even though the teacher is a wonderful man, I find his teaching technique difficult to grasp. Add to that the fact that I have not read in depth any of the things discussed in class.

ACTUARIAL and FINANCIAL MATH: These are my two Math electives. I think I'm OK on both counts. My Actuarial tests have not yet been returned, but I feel good about them. It's a certainty that Risk Theory is easier than the Actuarial classes we had last year. Those lessons then were killers. ;) In Financial Math, Doc Mara still teaches well. There have been no tests yet, but hopefully, despite my apprehensions against money matters, I'll be doing just fine.

COMPLEX ANALYSIS: It's complex, but: Garces teaches with flair and style, and manages to incorporate his brilliance in the process; the lessons are quite interesting, with all the i's and all; and it's a much more manageable subject than Advanced Calculus. My first long test is high, my second long test is probably low, and the next long test is coming up. Definitely one of the more wonderful subjects this semester.

Now that was quite a list, wasn't it? It was more negative in nature than positive. Having assessed myself, I am now prepared to be a new man. Less time surfing, more time studying. Less time on the virtual, more time on the real. It's morphin' time.

questions

2004-07-29T17:43:00.000+08:00

When is a friend a friend?

When is a friend more than a friend?

When is a friend not a friend?

The weight of the world is upon my shoulders once again. Thank God Atlas still has the strength to lift some of this weight up.

dangerous foods

2004-07-27T19:26:00.000+08:00

These past few days (although not so strictly), I've been living on a diet of corned beef, bacon, cup noodles, pancit canton, crackers, mahling, bread, and Cheez Whiz. I know it's not what constitutes "healthy eating," but I'm more concerned about my finances right now than anything else. Things back home are kind of rocky, so I need to stave off some of my cravings (such as for that delicious Red Panda 99-peso meal, Chicken McDo, Jolly Spaghetti-- wait, I'm just starving myself even more) to save some much-needed cash.

I have received and heard news, however, which may require me to stop this unhealthy sort of eating. My parents have warned me of this in the past, but I paid them no heed, thinking that the benefits would offset the consequences. But I may have to rethink that again.

My friend e-mailed me this two nights ago:

Instant Noodles Lovers
Dear all,

This is what I heard from a fellow colleague. Her nephew, who was studying in UK for about one and a half years, likes to eat cup-a-noodle. And guess what!

His doctor has found that there is a layer of wax lining the walls of his stomach. Seems that instant noodles that comes with foam containers contain an edible layer of wax. However, regular consumptions make it hard for our livers to clear the toxic.

This person died [emphasis theirs] when he went for an operation to try to remove the layer. Please do not boil the noodles in the container. Transfer to a glass bowl before you put the hot water. [emphasis theirs]

Well, this creeped me out. I should have known about this, getting all sorts of warnings from my friends and family, but I really just chose to ignore it. Well, this e-mail made me think twice about opening that cup-a-noodle again.

May this be a warning to all, as well.

the good side of it

2004-07-25T14:27:00.000+08:00

Of course, the Yearbook has its own good side. Whether or not that good side outweighs or will outweigh the negativity that has occurred remains to be seen.

So what is this good side? The write-ups, for one. A Yearbook write-up is like a Friendster testimonial, only more general and more formal in nature. In 15 lines of text, you have to describe yourself in the best way that you can. Five people went out of their way to create a write-up for me, and these I tried to compile into a single, coherent whole. The task was daunting, of course, with all the editing, cutting, pasting, and revising needed to make your write-up as unique and as easy-to-read as possible.

Here's the final output:

Kerwin does not like mornings. He snarls, he frowns and he utters totally indecipherable words all in a span of a minute within waking time. To the curious, this is because he values a good night's sleep above all other life processes, even over healthy eating and regular breathing.

At times other than mornings, though, Kerwin appears to be an ordinary nerdy-type kind of guy. He walks in campus wearing the same Adidas bag, the same orange ID strap, and the same blue-gray shoes. He excels in Math, but he's also quite a personal handyman for English and Philosophy, getting A's with supernatural ease. Amazingly, all these he manages on a diet of pancit canton, sliced bread and corned beef (See? Healthy eating.).

What Kerwin does not show in appearance, he reveals in substance. As a person, he is steadfastly loyal. Given the chance, he can be the bestest friend one can ever have. He listens when you need him to listen, he talks when you need him to talk. Those who remain true to him know this.

And those who remain true know that 15 lines of text just aren't enough.

Whether I have given justice to what my friends have written and whether or not I have given justice to who I really am remain to be seen. As for now, I'd like to thank Jeland, Tsikee, Joey, Sam and Lady for taking time out to describe someone as incomprehensible as I am. Thanks, guys.

all for the sake of imposed memories

2004-07-25T12:42:00.000+08:00

What the Aegis Yearbook Committee is trying to do is to impose upon us our memories. Not that it's bad; I would really want to have something to remember college by. It just struck me that this is what they are doing. All the hassle and fuss about file-naming conventions, font sizes, fonts, margins, deadlines, fines, photo shoots and what-have-you all suggest a bargain: "Do what we ask of you, and we will provide you with enhanced, organized, flashy and highly emotional memories. None of those nasty red-eyed digital pictures you and your friends take with each other. None of the usual drivel and crap. None of those cartoonish and childish scrapbook entries. And you get to see the pictures of your Atenean crushes, as well! You will not regret it!" Hmmm... sounds like TV Home Shopping to me. "But wait, there's more! Just add 150, and you'll get a certified Aegis CD!"

Sigh. Is it so obvious that I was harassed from all that they were asking from me? And to add to that the guilt that I felt upon inflicting my negativity to other innocent people.

First Victim: Ben. I asked Ben to create a Photoshop collage for me. I went to his house and invaded his privacy just to "guide" him throughout the entire process. At around 1 AM, he was done. But it seemed that I had a lack of college pictures. So I asked the

Second Victim: Sam to search some pictures in her computer. She found some and uploaded all 6 MB of it. It took 30 minutes. Sam had not had any sleep for the past few days, and this would have been a perfect time for her to sleep. But unfortunately, I had her waiting for the uploading to complete. Bad. When it was over, Ben and I downloaded the pictures, which took all of 30 minutes. Ben was also sleepy at this point. When the collage was done, someone had to flatten it into JPEG (another requirement from Aegis), and unbeknownst to me, the

Third Victim: Katsan was waiting all this time to do just that. It was around 230 AM by this time. Some problem occurred while downloading and uploading the files, so that added to the agitation of the entire Scooby Gang. At long last, it was over. That was what I thought then.

The day after, I had my 1x1 ID pictures taken in Kodak Katipunan, just in front of Ateneo. Since I had class at 230 to 430, and thinking that Kodak would close at 300, I asked the

Fourth Victim: Mark to get the pictures for me. That in itself would have been OK, but unfortunately, while Mark was just a street-crossing away from Kodak, a heavy downpour of rain stopped him dead on his tracks. He remained in the guardhouse, wondering what in hell should he do now that he's stuck and didn't have an umbrella. Unbeknownst to me (again), he asked Ben for help. Ben, who was wearing a pretty formal outfit for a career talk he co-headed, rushed to the guardhouse with an umbrella. The rain was so hard and the wind so unpredictable that the umbrella failed to protect him. By the time I returned to the org room, Mark and Ben were both there, wet and depressed.

I tried my darndest to make up for the negativity I have imposed on these people. I wish I could do more. Sigh. All these for the sake of imposed memories.

the nothing people

2004-07-18T00:16:00.000+08:00

this is the first time that i'll be posting a poem. but it's one of my favorites, mainly because i got struck by how true the poem can get. beware of the nothing people, guys.

the nothing people

They do not lie;
they just neglect to tell the truth.

They do not take;
they simply cannot bring themselves to give.

They do not steal;
they scavenge.

They will not rock the boat;
but did you ever see them pull an oar?

They will not pull you up;
they'll simply let you pull them up,
and let that pull you down.

They do not hurt you:
they merely cannot love you.

They will not burn you;
they'll only fiddle while you burn.

They are the nothing people; the sins-of-omission folk;
the neither-good-nor-bad and therefore somehow...... worse.

Because the good at least keep busy trying, and the bad try just as hard,
both have that character that comes from believing, action and conviction.

So give me an honest sinner
every time, or even a saint.

But, powers of good and evil, get together;
and protect me, please, from
the nothing people.

webbed?

2004-07-17T17:27:00.000+08:00

movie review #2: spider-man.

last week, i watched spider-man 2 twice. the first time in megamall, the second time in shangri-la. the former cost 81 pesos. the latter, 295 pesos. yep, you read that right. and if that figure made you look twice at your computer screen to check, then you're not the only one. the four of us (joy, sam, ben and i) who watched the film, victims as it were, were also shocked to hear the lady behind the counter say: "Your bill amounts to 1180." i think all the mathematics i've learned in my 19 years of schooling deserted me at that instant. 1180 divided by 4 is...? slow, really slow. later on, when we realized the folly of our actions, did we begin to laugh at the whole thing. the lady must have really seen the shock in our faces.

based from that experience, when someone asks me what my favorite film is, it's gotta be spider-man 2. just to make the whole shebang worthwhile. hee.

seriously, though, spider-man 2 can stand on its own merits (silly me: "Without the benefit of that experience? Nah."). it wouldn't be difficult for one to make it his or her favorite film of all time. the emotional weight of the story, the way it was portrayed by the characters, the way the action scenes helped in pacing the movie, all helped in establishing a well-thought and well-executed film.

spider-man 2 begins with a comic book recap of the first installment of the series. the comic book panels are created from spider-man's web, and in each panel we see an exposition of the characters. this in itself is a great way to start the film. it serves two purposes: 1) as i've said, it provides the recap of the first film, without having to resort to lengthy flashbacks and dream sequences. and the fact that it occurs during the opening credits gives those who do not wish to recall those past events an option not to watch it (silly me: "And why do they wanna miss that?); 2) not only does it give a recap of the first film, it also gives a gist of what is to be seen in the second film. the characters, all trapped in a web? a fitting emotional overview of how the characters would behave in this second installment.

all the characters in this film are trapped within their own problems. mary jane is infatuated with a guy who cannot dare to love her; aunt may misses her husband, ben, so much that she forgets that there is life outside of that love; harry drinks every night, vowing to avenge his father's death; and peter parker is, of course, trapped within his spider-man identity. because of these things which hinder them from letting go and moving on, they remain stagnant within themselves. they remain webbed.

i think that scene where spider-man loses his web because of the depression he feels is brilliant. it gives one an idea that spider-man is the source, the vortex, of the web that everyone else is entangled in. when he finally decides to be "spider-man no more," each of the characters suddenly find a drive to move on. mary jane thinks twice of marrying the astronaut; aunt may accepts peter's apology, and in the process, his husband's death; and harry finally gets his act together and starts planning spider-man's death. indeed, one can say that spider-man's web brings them together, but it also forces them apart.

of course, these highly intellectual plot sequences would have been to naught if not brought to life in the way they should have been brought. and in this, tobey maguire, kirsten dunst, james franco, alfred molina, and rosemary harris have succeeded wonderfully. tobey's face speaks volumes of dilemmas and uncertainties; kirsten's eyes express hurt and a strange, but strong, sense of determination; james's features portray brings to the screen harry's anger well, and alfred molina and rosemary harris, as the older ones in cast, have character portrayals which they and their experience can only muster.

as i've said in the start, i do not really need the benefit of that hilarious experience to establish spider-man 2's greatness. the movie, in itself, will have you stuck to your seat, and will never let go.

a week of sweet sweet heaven

2004-07-09T16:49:00.000+08:00

this week has been heaven.

never mind the pop quizzes in history. never mind the cuts in finance. never mind the embarrassing practices in theology.

never mind the stress. never mind the problems.

on july 7, 2004, those things never even existed. two things happened in my life which will be forever marked down in history.

one. the amazing race, the BEST, and the VERY BEST reality TV show, has started once again. never mind the negativity of that new addition Yield. never mind the incompetency of the racers. never mind the ejection of a team that i liked even before the show started. what matters is that the race is here!

i rushed from my history class to the tv room here in the dorm just to catch the worldwide premiere of the amazing race. do you know that the live telecast shown in studio 23 is earlier than the telecast in some of the states in the us? that makes me proud. thank you, studio 23! you are the best! (and of course, there's that interesting spoiler that studio 23 released as a promotion for the amazing race. did you know that...)

so what do i think about the fifth season of this great reality tv series? (did i just ask that question once again?) i think it's fohyn. really fohyn. phil, as usual, is great. with his eyebrow-pops and well-enunciated pronunciations, who wouldn't like him? as for the racers, well... let's just say that the first leg of the race isn't their strongest suit. they could have done much better. but the show, of course, is still the best reality TV show ever!

i'm so high right now it makes me want to giggle.

as for the next big thing which happened in my life last july 7, 2004, well... you just have to look carefully at me to know. *wink*

code behind dan brown's da vinci code, sought out and solved! analysts scared by results. may dan brown be the next antichrist? secret message below.

2004-07-05T18:23:00.000+08:00

just something to catch your attention. i'm back, everyone. :D

please stand by

2004-06-05T15:36:00.016+08:00

i will be adjusting this blog, so please stand by. comments will come soon.

okay...

2004-05-31T18:24:00.000+08:00

i just lost half of what's on the right side of this blog. dammit. that's why blogger took so long to republish it. it was doing something nasty to my page. dammit. but i can fix this. somehow.

landing back to stress

2004-05-31T17:58:00.000+08:00

vacation can be stressful. you sit around, wait for your favorite tv show to come up, munch on a few chips, glance at a few pages of the book you're currently reading. at first, this set-up is just what the doctor ordered. your body needs to relax. you need to give it rest. good. your body then gets its much needed rest. sooner or later, however (it took me three weeks, so i guess sooner), the monotony of doing the same actions all over again gets to you. you feel agitated that you have no one to talk to (aside from your brothers, who always try to make fun of you) and nothing to do besides wait for your favorite tv show, munch on a few chips, and glance at a few pages of your book. you start wondering about your vacation.

so you long for work. you long for something to break the monotony. the only solution that comes to mind is to take summer classes, driving lessons, or charm school. but you neither have the finances nor the parental back-up to back you up. you remain in your stagnant, nonproductive self until you find yourself waking up later and later each day. the next time you wake up, it's 7 pm, and star circle quest is in the tube. you're alarmed. this cannot be happening. you start devicing ways to entertain yourself, but everything comes to a screeching halt ten seconds after you begin. you whine, you rant, you complain. the dream vacation has just become a nightmare.

sooner or later, though (it took me two months, so i guess later), the vacation ends. you sigh in relief. you board the first plane back to the university, a bunch of magical mulberry cuttings on one hand and a backpack on the other, prepared to face the challenges ahead. at last! something to do. someone productive to become. unfortunately, the happiness of breaking the monotony comes to a screeching halt 10 seconds after you drop your bags in the dorm. you proceed to pay your dues, to visit the department, to search for subjects you think are worthwhile getting into. you whine, you rant, you complain. the dream end-of-vacation has just become a stressful start-of-classes.

welcome back to school, everyone.

class schedules part 2

2004-05-26T15:36:00.000+08:00

first of all, the bad news: my random number's 463. i think i'm fucked up now. but it's OK. i think i'm going to manage. i think.

anyway, new philo classes have cropped up! yehey, right? nope, not really. although there is now no need to practice my filipino speaking skills, and no need to run from one corner of the school to another, i now have the responsibility to wake up early. the new english philo class which fits my schedule nicely is the class of... (music please) ...miguel de jesus. 730 to 900 t-th, kostka. miguel. i can deal with this. i know i can.

but there you go. if things go right and i don't lose any classes (four hundred and sixty-three. goodness.), i think i'll be able to snatch miguel's class and the other classes, as well. good luck to me. good luck to all of us seniors.

foster brothers

2004-05-26T14:35:00.000+08:00

my brother sells e-loads. with this sideline of his, he gets a lot of perks. for example: for every 3,500 worth of load bought, he gets to have 300 free text messages. since my brother is not much of a texter, i am glad to have the privilege of using up all those free text messages for him.

because of this influx of free text messages, i decided to text those people in my phonebook whom i haven't seen and heard from for a long time. i thought this was rightly so, since i felt digital cobwebs forming around the names of those people in my phonebook. after i did this wonderful task, i was glad to see that out of the many people whom i texted, many replied, and three of them were my foster brothers.

(foster brothers: noun. 1. usually found residing in a single room in the male dormitory, foster brothers are upperclassmen assigned to take care of you while you are still a freshman. they help you go through the orientation process. if they are nice enough [and if you are nice enough], they might help you go through your college years. 2. you become a foster brother if you are an upperclassman. you have to deal with your own freshmen assignments. if you are nice enough [and if they are nice enough], you might help them go through their college years.)

i miss my foster brothers. even as a freshman in a new place living in a new home, i never felt threatened or unsure. they helped me go through the tough part of fitting in and adjusting to the new surroundings. when i was with their company, i felt the stresses of college life melting away with every joke uttered and with every game played. they felt so easy to be with. i guess i'm not the only one who felt this because every foster brother they have had have come to bond with them even beyond the orientation process, a phenomenon so rare not even i could imitate the same camaraderie with my younger foster brothers. it's funny, though, because i don't think they actually realize this. i think they just take this in stride, doing all these nice things without putting a thought into it. i guess it's natural for them to act this way.

like i said, i was glad to see that they replied to my text messages. i was even happier to hear that their lives have turned out all right after college. fra works as a commodities trader (i'm not sure if this is right, but it sounds right) in a budding company; clarence studies in medical school and has successfully circumcised his first patient (the anaesthesia lost its effect near the end of the operation with 2 stitches left. ouch!); justin works as a guidance teacher in a catholic school in cebu (girls would flock to him for "guidance," so he says); and jono is in canada, basking under the canadian sky (whatever that sky is, i do not know).

it's good to hear from people you care about and from whom you haven't heard for a long time. but it's infinitely better to hear that their lives have taken turns which they are proud of and happy about.

hospital-induced hiatus

2004-05-26T14:00:00.000+08:00

i've been on an 8-day hiatus. aside from financial reasons which rendered me internet cafe-less, there have been things which i needed to allot time to. after all, there are things more important than being able to blog. ;)

my mother was admitted in the hospital last saturday. my brothers, my father and i took turns in visiting her to make sure she's all right, with my father sleeping in the hospital at nights. i don't know the exact details of her problem, really, but i know she was operated on last monday. my father told me that it was supposed to be only one surgery (the removal of her uterus, i think), but then the doctor discovered that her appendix was also in danger. thankfully, this was found out in time and was operated on immediately. this saved my mother from going through two separate operations, with twice the cost and twice the physical trauma.

a weird thing, though: i thought there were three operations! when kenneth and i visited my mother last tuesday, the day after her operation, her voice was hoarse and she wasn't able to speak properly. i then thought that she also underwent a tonsillectomy! three operations! imagine that. this was not the case, though. it was just my mother's instinct to narrate every single detail of each experience that came up. my father told me that when she awoke from her anaesthesia-induced sleep, she immediately tried to tell my father the things she remembered and inquired on those which she could not recall. consequently, she lost her voice. literally. si mama talaga. (there's a scientific explanation why this happened, something with saliva and lack of intake of food, but i won't get into that biology stuff. hee.)

anyway, i'm glad the worst of it is over. she's resting now in san pedro hospital as i type this. there are a lot of food in the refrigerator, a lot of warmth from the blanket and pillows, and most importantly, a lot of love and concern from those around her. you know what i think? i think she's going to do just fine.

class schedule

2004-05-18T14:34:00.000+08:00

the class schedules for the first semester are up, and, depending on the random number i'll be getting, i hope to get this class schedule:

monday-wednesday-friday

hi166 philippine history - 1230 to 130 - kostka.202
ma195a.15 numerical analysis - 130 to 230 - sec.a.203

tuesday-thursday

th141 theology of catholic... - 130 to 300 - ctc.105
ma186 complex analysis - 430 to 6 - ctc.202

saturday

ma195h.3 actuarial math - 9 to 12 - sec.a.210

ooh... this is difficult. there's still one more subject to fit in, and that's ph103. there are only 3 english classes, 2 of which are in conflict with my math classes. i can't forego my math elective (130 to 230 m-w-f) because it's important that i take it, and the other math subject is a major and is therefore fixed (430 to 600 t-th). the other remaining english philo class (300 to 430 t-th) is out of the question. it comes right before my complex analysis class, which is in ctc, while this philo class is in bellarmine, which is a world apart. some of you might argue that i can just come in late in my math class, but... no. this class has the terrorest of teachers, and any infraction in my part will definitely lead to a walk-out of major proportions. so... no.

it comes down to three choices: 1) i take the risk and take this english philo class; 2) i go for the filipino philo class; 3) i forego my numerical analysis elective for another english philo class. if i take the first choice, i would have to practice my running skills. if i take the second, i would have to practice my tongue twisting skills (just imagine the orals!). if i take the third, i would have to readvise and find another alternative (which, in any way, will have to be in conflict with my plans of pursuing an actuarial track). ahhh... decisions, decisions. what to do?

(of course, i am assuming that i'll get a wonderful random number as i type this. when that does not happen, everything's going to be fucked up. badly.)

new seasons, all new seasons!

2004-05-15T13:52:00.000+08:00

watching tv these past few days, i've come across some really really great news: hbo has started showing the new commercials for the new season of six feet under, while axn has started to show the commercials for the new season of the amazing race. yes, these are two of my favorite shows of all time, and they're all coming back!

then again, it's a little sad that i won't be able to watch six feet under. the fourth season premieres on june 13, and, sad to say, i will be back in my dorm by that time. why is this sad? well, for one thing, there's no cable tv in the dorm. secondly, i'll be too busy tending to more serious stuff like my studies or knowing when, where and what i'll be eating for dinner. i'm not worrying too much, though. i know someone who sells vcds of almost all american shows, and i think i'll be able to get it from him.

it's a different story for the amazing race, though. this reality tv series (which time and again i claim to be the BEST series of ALL time) is something that i will not allow myself to miss. i've had the experience of waking up at 8 AM just to catch the live telecast of each and every episode of last season. even if my classes started at noon. even if i hated waking up earlier than usual. yes, you can say that i'm a fan. hopefully, studio 23 will decide to franchise the show under its wing.

here's to two great shows and hours of great entertainment!

the people i would have voted for

2004-05-12T17:09:00.000+08:00

because of that comelec fiasco last may 10, i was not able to vote. it would have been a +1 to the people listed below:

president: raul roco (he's trailing far behind. fifth, actually. but no matter. as conrado de quiros would put it, there is no wasted vote if you vote for someone you believe in.)

vice-president: loren legarda (call her plastic or balimbing, but her role in the impeachment trial of estrada has impressed me that she can be a very good legislator.)

senators: alvarez (tulungan niyo po ako at ako'y nag-iisa. tinulungan ko siya.). barbers (no to drugs, yes to education! yes to you, too!). biazon (sane. conservative, but sane.). cayetano (kay compa-compa-companera tayo. kay pia-pia-pia cayetano! best jingle evah! better than j-j-j-jamby... change the world). chavez (great lawyer. great thinker). gordon (wow gordon! wow philippines! wow lahat! w-o-w! wow. bow-wow.). herrera (did i actually plan to vote this guy? sheez.). hussin ( dahil ang muslim at kristiyano, kapwa pilipinooooooo! doc hussin po para sa senado! he then sets the dove free.). mercado ( ...and orly is number one on that subject. -- gma. i forget which subject. math?) roxas (mr. palengke. korina sanchez. enough said.). santiago (superwoman sa senado! darna!). yasay (serious guy. oh yeah.).

sayang talaga. these people would have won with my votes! my votes! tsk, tsk. bad move, comelec. may all the hounds of hell sic you and bite your behinds. enough said. i'll go watch more tv now.

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just a side note: by the way, comelec, you also made me miss the season finale of the survivor: all stars. really, now. i shouldn't just send hellhounds, i should send the cerebrus, instead.

dirty finger

2004-05-12T15:45:00.000+08:00

i was not able to vote last may 10, and it sucks. big time. i feel that i have been deprived of something that i was excited about for a long, long time. (to see proof, see previous blog entries.) i feel that my right has been snatched away from me.

here's a startling, disconcerting fact: the next time i'm going to vote for a president and a vice-president, i will be 25 years old. i will be a full-fledged adult. i will be part of the work force. my perspectives on politics and on life in general will have changed by then. God knows what other changes can happen. six years is too long. six years is just too long.

others might say that six years is nothing. wrong. of course, six years is everything. the reason why i wanted to vote now, while i'm still a young lad of nineteen, is because i'm still nineteen. i still have this certain kind of independence, cynicism, and reluctance about me. i may lose all these when i move into adulthood. when i'm 25, i'm going to vote as an adult. i'm not going to be a teen anymore. and that is precisely what i want to experience first. to vote as a teen. to vote as young lad of 19. unfortunately, that is something that i have been denied.

for not getting a dirty finger, i flick the dirty finger to all those in charge of implementing this year's elections. i flick the dirty finger to the comelec, i flick the dirty finger to chairman benjamin abalos. you and your cohorts stripped me of my existence. you and your cohorts left me to deal with ordinary civilians when you should have been in charge. you and your cohorts made me wait six hours in a line that went nowhere, that had no order, and that made no sense. flick, flick, flick.

...and bliss

2004-05-09T12:47:00.001+08:00

it does not end in grief after all. for every sadness, there is joy. for every farewell, there is a comeback. everything is all right with the world once more. then again, not so much, but it will have to do. welcome back, freak-ass.

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just a side note: happy mother's day, mama. you have raised me well.

grief...

2004-05-09T12:47:00.000+08:00

grief occurs not only to people whose loved ones have died, but even to those whose loved ones have said goodbye. it is a profound sadness that lingers. it stays in every text message, in every tv show, in every book. it remains in everything that you and your loved one has shared.

you try to deny the loss, but it does not help. the tears, if they come, just become more bitter; the rage just becomes more intense. at the very end of it, you'll feel tired. you'll feel hopeless. you'll feel angry at everyone around you. even those whose words are full of good intentions. even those whom you love.

everything revolves around this person at this point. no one else matters. you want to isolate yourself, to isolate your thoughts, to isolate the memory of the person. but you cannot do that. you must appear strong to the people around you. you do not wish to do so, but you must. for the sake of others with wills weaker and emotions stronger than yours. this pretension is for them. this illusion is for them.

this grief has no end in sight. but they always say that with grief comes acceptance. when that acceptance will come, you will never know.

what these teens did last summer

2004-05-05T16:27:00.000+08:00

tv review #1: star circle teen quest

there are a lot of things wrong about this show. the reality sucker in me refuses to let go of the show, though, so i have to bear with both its strong points and its flaws alike.

strong points:

1. it's a reality tv show, so that's definitely a plus. (there have been rumors of this being a totally scripted show, with pre-announced winners and all, but i don't find any merit in that accusation. i'll still assume that this is a bonafide reality tv show.)

2. the jurors rank them from weakest to strongest, making me, the interested viewer, aware of how all the contestants stand. this also enables me to make use of excel in tabulating their ranks and in predicting who will go next. i know this strips away the excitement come judgment day, but what the heck.

3. it also pleases me to see that the jurors are very reasonable in their criticisms, without having to ape simon cowell of the american idol fame. simon's unique, and besides, he makes perfect sense. no one must copy him. most local reality tv shows nowadays (at least those which require judges) have judges who bitch about the contestants only for the sake of bitching. some of them make no sense at all.

these are three of the strong points which compel the reality freak in me to continue watching this show. now for the criticisms, which compel the reality non-freak in me to just change the channel and watch strangebrew instead.

flaws:

1. luis manzano sucks in hosting. the way he speaks and pronounces words bother me. instead of saying it with a short i sound, like mittens, kit, or luis, he pronounces it with a short e sound, like bell, felt, or mellow. he also has facial expressions which annoy me to no end. why can't he learn from edu manzano? his father blows him off the water, runs over him down the ground, beats him by a thousand miles.

2. the eliminations often become anticlimactic and insensitive. these two adjectives don't often go together, i know. insensitive shows milk the drama for whatever it's worth, and drama is always climactic. but not in star circle teen quest. first, the "anticlimactic." the eliminations fail to bring the excitement that is present in other reality tv shows (like survivor or the amazing race) for the simple reason that it is poorly executed. the timing seems to be always off, the hosts don't know what to do, and the jurors are not informed beforehand when the commercials start and show begins. hence, the whole process becomes chaotic, and the insensitive drama is drowned in the confusion that occurs.

3. next, the "insensitive." after getting booted off, the person eliminated is required to remain onstage. the whole audience stares at him, the viewers stare at him, the cameras stare at him. and he does nothing but stand there and stare back until the show ends and everyone is finally allowed to go say their final goodbyes. i don't know, but that seems unnecessarily cruel to me. and to add to all that misery the obviously senseless question that the hosts ask: "how do you feel now that you've been booted?" my goodness, shut. up. just end it already. cut. snip. ta-ta.

alas, i've just given a review of star circle teen quest. hee. anyway, basing from my tabulation, i have a feeling that michelle or errol are the ones to go. hero will be saved by his votes, and neri will be doomed by hers. what do you think?

update: i was right. michelle got voted out, hero saved by his votes, neri doomed by hers. errol was a shock, though. maybe his mentors gave him a high grade.

jamby and judy

2004-05-03T20:37:00.000+08:00

i enjoy jamby madrigal's political ads. they're not very enlightening, but they're really entertaining. take the "change the world" advertisement, for instance. although it provides nothing more than a melody that people will remember her by, the melody works. i think the whole j-j-j-j-jamby chant (change the world) has successfully planted itself into my brain. very good, jamby, well done!

but jamby madrigal has an even bigger weapon up her sleeve. i'm talking about the judy ann santos endorsements, of course. i believe there are quite a number of them, and the first one appeared on television way before the elections took a fever pitch. it was disguised as an awareness commercial, although now i can't remember what it was that we should be aware of. maybe it was an awareness ad that says we should change the world. hee. anyway, i think the use of judy ann as an endorser is an inspired choice. with that move, jamby has jumped the surveys to reach a respectable 10th to 15th place. i foresee a judy ann-- i mean a jamby-- victory. very good, jamby, well done!

very good, jamby, for using this judy ann connection a bit too far! in one commercial, a reporter interviews judy ann and asks why she endorsed jamby and rejected everyone else (i'm sure everyone believed that.). jamby was nowhere to be found! not even behind judy ann, lurking silently amongst the ukay-ukay, which was what she did in the premiere of judy ann's movie, i will survive. no, she did not lurk behind any ukay-ukay, but she was all over juday. while tv patrol was interviewing judy ann about the movie, a green-suited jamby was following her. what was she doing? she looked like a puppy looking for her master or something. although what judy ann said had nothing to do with her, or with changing the world, she was in the background, appearing like an overeager green curtain. but still, very good, jamby! very good for the publicity!

with all these images stuck in my mind, i'm sure i'll remember the name on may 10. i will write down... judy ann santos.

google searches

2004-05-02T15:15:00.000+08:00

many blogs have tracking codes that show the blogmakers which sites their readers have gone before arriving at their blogs. i have availed myself of that nifty html device, and i found interesting things about those who come to my blog, the antibutterfly effect.

now, most of the newcomers who come to my site by chance come here by way of a google search. it's funny, though, because the keyword most of these people search for is the person or someone related to the person i have learned to despise because of the annoying antics both he and abs-cbn have made for him: piolo pascual. hee. variations include: piolo pascual + my gift concert, angelica panganiban, claudine + piolo, pictures of angelica panganiban.

just a thought, though. i assume that these people are fans (or at least have a liking) of piolo pascual and his milan and mangarap ka friends. i wonder how they feel upon coming to my blog. do their eyes pop in disbelief? do their mouths sputter words of defense? or do their fingers click the x button in a snap? i'm just wondering, that's all. i wish one of them would tag me to write what they think. in a nice way, of course. i still don't approve hate mails and hate comments.

i blame it on my tv viewing

2004-05-02T14:16:00.000+08:00

i broke my ironclad rule of not letting three days pass before blogging, and i blame it all on my tv viewing. tsk, tsk. i just realized this startling fact, the fact that i had forgotten to blog, last night as i was about to sleep. i almost gave in to the immediate urge to text someone, give him or her my blogger password and instruct him or her to just type anything to fill in that crucial space. fortunately, i resisted that urge. i would have appeared really foolish to that person.

nah, who am i fooling? i did text someone, instructed him to write anything on my blog, and perhaps did appear foolish in the process. he wasn't able to blog, though, so i guess it's all good. and he's still texting, so i guess that's even better.

as i've said, i blame it all on my tv viewing. i was thoroughly enjoying the television that i just forgot all about my blog. you see, fridays and saturdays are my favorite days of watching tv. the different channels provide me with a lot of venues for entertainment during these days. here's the schedule of shows i routinely watch every weekend, and you'll see that there's really no time to breathe, much more think of anything else but the next show.

friday
1:00 pm - survivor: all stars
7:00 pm - star circle kid quest elimination (ehem)
8:00 pm - the bachelor

saturday
10:00 am - mtv asia hitlist
5:00 pm - star circle teen quest elimination (ehem)
6:30 - star in a million
8:00 - my big fat obnoxious fiancee (or fiance? i keep mixing these two up)
10:30 - victim

of course, there are those 3- to 6-hour gaps in between shows. and there's thursday. during these times, though, i eat, sleep, or play the computer. that, or my parents aren't home, and my older brother won't allow me to go out. or the weather's really bad and it's raining really hard. or something. a lot of reasons, really.

hee. this entry has become one long excuse letter. to whom? well, to the readers (what a grand word, that), partly, but most of all to myself. a consolation letter, so to speak, that says all is well in the world.

missing movies madly

2004-04-28T16:54:00.000+08:00

i miss watching movies. my list of last five movies seen (on the right side of this blog) remains the same list since i left from manila. this makes me wonder if i'll ever get to watch a movie anytime while i'm here in davao. i planned on watching masikip sa dibdib, but then i realized i had no one to accompany me. i've already experienced watching a movie alone, and it sucked big time (if my memory serves me right, it was save the last dance). i felt like everyone was looking at me and pointing. hee. paranoid, yes, but i felt so vulnerable at that time. i never did it ever since.

of course, this may stem from the fact that i'm always broke when i'm here back at home. there's no allowance, which is reasonable, given that i'm fed morning, afternoon, and night, and the lodging's always free. and although my parents want my brothers and me to scram while we're here, they don't really provide the necessary finances to accompany that directive. they don't expect us to go out and just window shop, do they?

besides this, though, i think my tendency to stay away from the outside world contributes greatly to my lack of davao movie experience. i've already written about my homeboyness in greater length somewhere, so i won't repeat it here.

oh well. my lack of cash and my aversion to the outside world dictates that i stay at home, and this is what i do. my movie-mad self can just go ahead and wish that something good will appear on hbo.

them who have chinky eyes

2004-04-25T16:45:00.000+08:00

i was watching abs-cbn's the truth last saturday and found myself reminded of my fascination with the chinese (or korean or japanese). not that that fascination vanished, but since i am quite the homeboy this summer, the lack of chinky-eyed people can be quite evident. it can also be quite lonely. the truth awakened something in me that i have not felt since i came home from ateneo.

well, to be honest, fascinated is not the word i'm looking for. attracted is. there's just something with the chinese that attracts me to them at first sight. perhaps it's the way their eyes vanish when they smile. or the way their skin glows in the sun. or the way their hair flows smoothly through their shoulders. hee. isn't it obvious i'm quite smitten with them? i always have good first impressions of someone who i believe is chinese. it's now beyond bias. it has become something close to reflex. chinese, bam! 5 stars out of 5.

enough of this, though. hee. i'm smiling and i can't help it. i'm thinking of someone who has those chinky eyes. hee. gotta stop now.

summertime regrets and hopes

2004-04-25T15:50:00.000+08:00

these past few days, i have been texting my other blockmates to inquire about their plans for summer. a few of them are taking up summer classes, and others are working in different companies for their practicum. as a rule, math majors are not required to take summer classes. neither are they required to take practicum. i guess i'm the only one who followed the curriculum.

this is not a good thing, though. sometimes, i regret not applying for a practicum. one of my blockmates, oliver, accepted a job at pnb, and now he's currently being trained in risk management, a very important skill to be learned if ever i do plan to work in the field of actuary. well, let's just say that when he texted that to me, i became green with envy and purple with regret. i keep thinking that when the time comes to start applying for a job, people like oliver will have an advantage over me, since they have had the experience and the skill required to work in the field.

to add to all that worry, i really feel like a bum this summer. check the previous blog entry to see what i have been doing and you'll see that none of them can be classified as productive. my father is planning to enrol me in driving school tomorrow, so i guess that's something productive, but i doubt if that's something i'll write on my resume. sigh. i just knew that watching star circle quest and survivor will lead me to this state of mind.

however, there is a ray of optimism despite all these negativities. basing from my college experience, i found out that i am the type of person who needs to rest in order to function well. i did not go home this time last year and decided to just stay in the dorm. when first semester came, i was tired as hell (even during the first months), and hence my grades took a downfall. i took a much needed three-week semestral break after that, however, and since that break was one of the most enjoyable breaks i have ever had, my spirits soared by second semester, and hence, my grades soared, as well.

what's the point of these examples? well, the point is this: if a three-week break can refresh me for the next semester, what more can a two-month break do? i believe that this rejuvenation will be a great factor in the last two semesters to come. i'm graduating next year, and as they say, it's crunch time. i'm vying for cum laude. right now, i'm still at the level of with honors. i need all the rest i can get to prepare myself for the tough times ahead. after all, i'm really not competing with anybody. i'm competing with myself.

what have i been doing this summer?

2004-04-22T13:40:00.000+08:00

it's midway through my vacation already, so it's time to list down the things that have kept myself busy these past few weeks:

1. making visual basic programs/games. yes, it's geeky, having taken the subject in 4th year high school, but i really can't let that wonderful skill rust. it's a useful tool in most of the career choices i have in mind, and besides, it helps expand my knowledge of things.

2. internet surfing. hee. for the blog, of course. as i've said before, it pains me to think that my blog is just stagnating in cyberspace. it needs my constant care; hence, it needs to be updated on a regular basis. you might have noticed that i never let 2 days pass without updating my blog. to go beyond 2 days would be a fatal sin.

3. calculating stuff on excel. i calculate just about anything in excel. i love ranking things and making criteria for them. it excites me to see the ranks go up and down at different times. (this is the reason why i positively enjoy music hit lists, such as mtv's asia hitlist and myx's daily top ten.)

4. playing games on pc and on family computer. i'm currently playing abe's odyssey on the pc and lode runner on the nintendo family computer. no, we don't have playstation or snes or sega. we're kinda stuck in the mario era.

5. eating, sleeping, and watching tv. the bare necessities.

the five things listed here seem to suggest that i don't go out much. well, it's true, i don't go out much (unless the destination's the internet cafe, of course). i have only been out once since i arrived here. i don't know... maybe it just tires me to roam around the city, especially when you have no one around to accompany you. most of my davao friends are taking summer classes or out of the country. when they do come home, though, perhaps i'll move my lazy ass away from the computer screen and start exploring the world outside my home.

perhaps.

gmail account

2004-04-22T12:39:00.000+08:00

i just got an invitation from blogger to sign up for the new (and in beta testing) google mail (gmail) account. i have yet to explore it, but from the screenshots i saw, i think it's going to be quite good. and 1 GB of mail! blows 4 MB anytime. maybe i'll use this as my main account and relegate my yahoo account as a secondary account. long live google!

gma's campaign materials

2004-04-19T16:58:00.000+08:00

i don't get the idea why signboards saying "Kalsada natin, alagaan natin." have to placed beside national highways. there's no sense in doing this given that the roads are not being reconstructed, and neither are they hopelessly abused. this, i believe, is just another of gma's ploys to legally use taxpayers' money to fund her own campaign. not only is this ploy deceiving, but it is also annoying. i spent the entire trip to and fro koronadal (7 hours of my life total) trying to avoid the bluish gaze of these campaign materials.

the "kalsada natin" signboard comes in two types. one appears as a billboard, similar to those that are placed beside government projects (like the construction of a road or a bridge). this type of signboard has a half-body shot of gma, her hand frozen forever in a presidential wave. the other signboard is much smaller, and are placed 500 meters away from one another on the highway shoulder. this signboard is similar to those that are placed beside pnp checkpoints on national highways. due to the signboard's size, only gma's name can fit it, sparing us her presidential face.

it is intriguing that these signboards appeared only quite recently. as recently as the start of the election campaign, perhaps? looking at it from gma's point of view, though, one can see that these signboards are really perfect campaign materials. here are two reasons why:

one, it forces gma's name down our throats. the fact that we should take care of our roads (and not our pets or walls or trees) provides an excellent venue in which gma's name can be proclaimed. how long is the national highway? answer that and you'll see the extent of gma's publicity.

two, the signboards already have a disguise. "Kalsada natin, alagaan natin." that's the disguise. it excuses gma from politicking. she is, after all, just concerned about the welfare of our roads. how motherly of her. those of us who know better, however, can see how flimsy an excuse this can be.

it is also important to note that the picture plastered on the large billboards (the half-body shot with the wave) is also the same picture that appears in her "real" campaign posters. if i recall correctly, this is the same picture used in endorsing gma as president and noli de castro as vice-president. tsk, tsk. if they were any wiser (or if they were wise at all), they would not have recycled pictures. after all, we really do know better.

milan, mangarap ka, my gift, and other horrible things about piolo pascual

2004-04-16T13:57:00.000+08:00

kapamilya ako. yes, i am an abs-cbn baby, and will never change my alliance for any of its rivals (meaning: gma). my following statements, then, do not stem from any network hate. in fact, it causes me great discomfort and utmost shame to bash one of its stars, piolo pascual (aka oslec aka dragon king).

nah. slash that. i bash piolo pascual with the greatest pleasure and utmost pride. sometimes i wish rico yan was alive just to push this irksome actor back to the shadows where he came from. if rico were alive, piolo would never have been linked with claudine, would never have created that horrible, horrible movie milan (i never saw it, mind you. there's just a vibe of awfulness emanating from the posters and the trailers on tv.), and would never have had a show of his own. mangarap ka? dragon king? a love team with angelica panganiban, for decency's sake? whaaaaaat? oh rico, how we miss thee.

but it would have been all okay, at least for the meantime, at least for me. even though this pretentious actor does not deserve all of this fame, i still could accept his rise to stardom. after all, he's a decent actor and has a decent face to boot. i have friends who giggle at the mere mention of his name, and who dare not miss a single film he stars in. fine. accepted. i will not criticize his acting ability and his physical qualities. but now, this. the final straw that broke the camel's back: my gift: the concert.

it was bad enough to have the album, but i accepted it as a matter of course. after all, judy ann santos had her own awful album (who could forget "i won't last a day without you?" oh, i see you have.) at least, judy ann santos had the sense to place a limit on the things she was made to do. she knew that her vocal abilities were not at par with her acting abilities, so a concert was definitely a no-no. piolo, on the other hand... i have no words. did he really think that his voice was concert material? he could carry a tune, but having that ability merits not a concert, but a videoke session. or a stint in asap mania. or something. but not a freaking araneta coliseum concert!

of course, piolo's not the only one to be blamed. shame on you, abs-cbn, for forcing this pretentious little scam down our throats. shame on you for the relentless pluggings. shame on you for giving away free concert tickets in masayang tanghali bayan (ang saya-saya!) for fear that only 1/250 of the coliseum will be filled. shame on you for the exclusive report on piolo's alleged father in cebu. shame on you!

and shame on everyone who dares send me hate mail. hee.

trips

2004-04-13T21:41:00.000+08:00

trip 1: i'm going to koronadal tomorrow and will stay there overnight. my father will be having a hearing there, so my brother and i will tag along. hopefully, we'll get to eat great food (courtesy of the branch manager) and sleep on soft hotel beds.

trip 2: i'm planning to change the lay-out of the site. kasi trip ko lang. hee. it still suits me, but i feel that a lighter color will bring out a more optimistic kerwin. i'm also planning to make this a duo blog, a partnership with someone else, but while that person still makes up his or her mind about it, i won't divulge any more information just as yet.

reality tv jeers and cheers

2004-04-13T17:12:00.000+08:00

american idol
cheer: camille's out. i haven't watched the past few episodes of american idol, because (1) i'm not in the dorm and can't download the episodes, and (2) our stupid cable company, homechannel, does not provide us with star world. thankfully, abc-5 has included the series in its list of programs, but i'm afraid that the series will be over in the states even before abc-5 shows camille getting the boot.

so why am i not siding with the filipina? our very own? well, for one thing, she does not have the confidence to win. and honestly, i don't find her that appealing. i listened to her mp3's and found them to be really good, especially her rendition of son of a preacherman, but i can't help but juxtapose her voice with her performance. and when i see her sing, i cringe. my face contorts in the same way that hers does. i think she's a nice girl with a real pleasing personality (unlike the other filipina, jasmine, but that's another story for another time -- perhaps when she gets booted?), but she does not seem to enjoy what she's doing. if only just to set her free from her apparent misery, i'm glad to see her go.

survivor: all stars
jeer: lex's out. i feel really sorry for lex getting the boot. not because i like him. in fact, i don't like him. i hated him in africa, and even though this level of hate has waned in the all-stars edition of survivor, i still don't like him. i think he's a scheming fraud to whom anything can be negotiated and everything can be sacrificed.

so why do i feel sorry for him, then? well, i think he was duped. he was duped by someone whose personality i hate even more. boston rob. if lex's a scheming fraud, boston rob's the devil. his eyes, his sneer, even his facial hair all scream DO NOT TRUST THIS MAN. after that "brotherly" negotiation the previous episode where lex and the team sacrificed jerri for amber, it would have been proper for rob to return the favor. or if it wasn't in his grand plan, it would have been proper not to make any promises to lex. but alas, the devil had a plan, all right, and propriety was not in that plan.

grrr... i know this is all part of the game, that everything in this game's a game, but it's still grrr. sometimes i forget, in my excitement and awe at the challenges, why i don't like this show that much. these moments bring back that dislike. survivor forces people to connive, pretend, and stab one another in the back. i may be wrong, but the person who gets to be the ultimate survivor may be the one who gets to pretend the best and connive the most.

talk of the town

2004-04-11T15:42:00.000+08:00

i just love inquirer's talk of the town series. it provides relevant information for me, the concerned voter, regarding the stands of the different candidates on different issues. they have already tackled the candidates for president and vice-president, and today, they're tackling the stands of the candidates for senator. given the number of senatoriables and the single page allotted for the talk of the town, they can only tackle two issues per week (talk of the town appears twice per week, thursday and sunday).

the issue today concerns itself with the much-debated constitutional amendment and the change of form of government. many senatoriables agreed with an amendment in constitution, given that it is to be done in a constitutional convention, and not in a series of sessions in the congress. some senatoriables have even gone so far as to require a referendum to get the public vote on the matter. as to the change of government, most seem to agree on a parliamentary or a federal form of government.

i am not very knowledgeable about these issues, so i will not try to delve deeper into them. however, i do feel that an amendment in the constitution is in order, since most of its contents are not in accordance with the changing times. many people fear that an amendment may result in an abuse of power, but they presuppose that the people who are in charge of these constitutional changes are corrupt and greedy. if we vote the right people this may, then we, the filipino people, may see that a constitutional amendment may not be a very frightening prospect, after all.

penitence

2004-04-11T13:52:00.000+08:00

penitence in the philippines revolves around self-flagellation and immersing oneself in a great deal of pain. it likewise involves sacrifice such as fasting and keeping oneself away from the luxuries of comfortable living. finally, penitence involves prayer, reflection, and meditation in the midst of a busy life.

it seems i have done all these forms of penitensya at least once during this holy week, but not necessarily because i was motivated by spiritual or contritional reasons. in fact, some of them may have been done out of chance. you see, i am not a deeply devout catholic, so i am not keen on whipping myself or slashing my back with razors. neither am i too enthusiastic on sitting, kneeling and standing for a 2-hour mass.

i would have gone on with my life without having to engage with the less masochistic practices of the Christian faith (such as that 2-hour mass), but thankfully for parents, i was prompted at times to do so. last black friday, my father "prompted" me to accompany him and kenneth to join a penitence hike. it involved hiking up a known elevation here in davao (under the very searing heat of the sun), stopping at every Station of the Cross to pray (with a lot of other people), and finally meditating at the Shrine, which is at the top of the elevation. i guess that was my self-flagellation. the problem is, it seemed more of a hike than an act of repentance for me. i was thoroughly enjoying it, with me and kenneth bantering each other every step of the way.

fasting was another form of penitence which i did, i think, by chance. instead of eating fish, which was proper these days, we ate lucky me noodles, instead. again, this was not an act which i willfully engaged into. i was merely following the dictates of the refrigerator, and the refrigerator did not seem to have any supply of fish, which i would have preferred.

i don't know if it's part of my penitensya, but not blogging for two days also took a lot of resistance and effort from me. it just kept tugging my mind how pitiful my blog looked like now that it was not being updated. and being physically inactive was just an invitation to being more mentally active. oh well, i guess that doesn't count. besides, it's not like not being able to blog is too much of a torture (aggghhh... noooooo....).

sometimes, my father calls me an atheist (jokingly or seriously, depending on his mood) because of my lack of show of the Christian faith. i disagree. i believe in God. i don't, even for a moment, doubt His existence. i do realize, however, my why father thinks this is so. theology has taught me the three dimensions of the Christian faith (doctrine-moral-worship), and the failure to engage in all three implies a problem in one's faith. yes, i acknowledge that there is a problem, but i have yet to find the solution.

sad

2004-04-08T20:17:00.000+08:00

for some reason, i feel down, depressed, and sad. i don't know. i feel like crying. sigh. maybe because it's maundy thursday. or maybe it's just me.

to atlas

2004-04-06T21:15:00.000+08:00

it must be hard to have the whole world on your shoulders. how tempting it must be to just shrug it all off, take a leave, and never come back. to rest. to revel in the relief of not having to lift a burden. how easy it must be. especially if the world does not try to alleviate your pain. does not even recognize the deed you do. does not even recognize you.

so why didn't you?

it is a question that bothers me every now and then. a question which, when asked, you proclaim as unnecessary and irrelevant. a question to which i find no satisfactory answer, save for one. love. you must really love the world to endure this. you must really have seen something in its chaotic state. you really must have faith in the belief that the world loves you. loves you for what you do. loves you for you.

i will not try to dissuade you. your belief is your belief. let me just thank you now for bearing this burden. i am, after all, part of this world which you carry upon your shoulders.

thank you, atlas. may we move on in time for as long as this world exists.

happy 21. :)

site referring eeks

2004-04-06T20:15:00.000+08:00

my philosophy teacher just placed a site referrer at her site. since i access her site by clicking the link i created for it (see right side), the site referrer displays, in full view of everyone who visits it, the address of my blog. hmmm... i wonder if this is a good thing or a bad thing. it's really quite embarrassing to one day click on my chatterbox and see her name there, commenting on things that i've written or said. and i wonder if she's going to be offended that i created a link to her site without asking permission from her first. on the other hand, i think it is just as well that she knows about my blog. her insights are very much welcome, after all. hmmm... this is a difficult situation, don'tcha think?

election fever

2004-04-05T14:29:00.000+08:00

the nation is at the grip of the election fever once again. and this time, the elections are going to be especially heated, at least for me, because i get to participate in it. i was just a little toddler when the snap elections occurred, just a curious child when the 1992 elections came, and just an apathetic teen when the 1998 elections happened. now, i am a mature (ehem) college student who realizes that i have the power to change the nation with my votes. this year's election, then, is a big deal for me.

with great power comes great responsibility, so spider-man says, so i plan to be responsible with my votes. voter education comes first. and no, i don't intend to learn about these candidates just by watching their hilarious (and desperate) commercials which are shown incessantly on tv. i plan to know their platforms and their stands on certain issues. the problem is, i can't seem to find decent and complete sources with the information i need regarding those who are going to run. i searched the internet and i found this site which gives a list of the presidential, vice-presidential, senatorial, and congressional candidates. however, the site lacks pertinent and important information regarding the candidates (platform, stand on issues, etc.). inquirer has a more in-depth presentation of platforms, although it only presents the stand of the presidential and vice-presidential candidates.

clearly, i am not yet prepared to vote. that does not mean, however, that i don't have an idea who to vote. i already have a president and a vice-president in mind. i'm not going to divulge it yet, as it may still change. (hint: i'm not going to vote for the guy who loves to wear floral prints.) as for the senators and congressmen, i really have no idea. my father suggested that i make a list as soon as possible, and i plan to do just that. over the next few weeks, i'm going to make a criteria for "judging," input each candidate's scores in a spreadsheet, sort the results from highest to lowest, and pick the top 13 (for senators). surely, the excel freak in me will rejoice at such prospect.

internet cafe

2004-04-03T15:41:00.000+08:00

i'll often be in internet cafes for the next two months. i left my well-loved computer back in the dorm (my roommates better take care of it, or else... hee), and my computer here in davao has no internet access (and i'm not even sure if it's capable of having internet access anymore).

anyway, the internet cafe of the day award goes to browzer, an internet cafe in front of ateneo de davao university (college). it's far from my house, but i just accompanied my father and my brother who had their hair cut in the barbershop beside this place. the internet's fast, although not as fast as the internet connection back in the dorm; the screen's a little bit dark, and when i attempted to increase the resolution, i couldn't read my blog at all; the cd drive's 48X max, and the floppy drive's covered by a strip of bond paper to prevent access; the keyboard's got a temper i couldn't quite control. the keys jump when i type on them. sigh.

hee. i just gave a weird analysis of an internet cafe's computer. the heat must be getting into my head. or maybe i'm beginning to miss manila just 2 days into my vacation. this makes me wonder if i'm going to write longing for dorm anytime soon. hopefully not. i just need to do something here because i'm not doing anything, and my body must be yearning for work. stupid body.

24

2004-04-02T16:47:00.000+08:00

previously on 24:

see last entry for blog.

and now, our feature presentation:

10:00 PM, March 31

eliazo study room. math tutorial with candace. she was studying for her nmat exams, and she asked some help with the math section of the test (good luck for the nmat! you can do it! 99+, here candace comes!). ate in red panda right after with aa, candace, and alfredo. no one got food poisoned. went back to the dorm.

1:00 AM, April 1

cervini room 207. looked at the mess in sight. started planning Operation Clean-up. took shirt off (feeling macho), and began sorting out folders and placing them in a huge balikbayan box. took out books from shelves and placed them in another box. fished out clothes. separated them into two places: in my luggage, and in yet another box. eventually wiped out traces of kerwin in my room. evidence eliminated. done by 4 AM. slept.

6:00 AM, April 1

dorm. woke up. took a bath. wrote a letter regarding the claiming of my grades. called for a taxi. inside the domestic airport by 8:00 AM. was not mugged by taxi driver, who was really nice.

10:00 AM, April 1

airplane. villainess number 1 in sight. zha xung lei, aka chinese stranger. with 3 kids for back-up. one of the kids were stationed two rows behind my seat, while the chinese stranger and her two other kids were in the seats beside mine. chinese stranger seemed fine with this. but nice stewardess was distraught with the idea of separated kids. asked me nicely to exchange seats with back-up kid number 1. agreed. chinese stranger mustered her dark look pose and refused to thank me. was irritated instead. ugh. lift-off.

12:00 PM, April 1

davao city. home. waited for luggage. villainess number 2 in sight. donna victorina, aka i'm-such-a-socialite-bitch. she was talking to her father in alabang. you know, alabang. her cart was blocking my stroller. moved around the cart to pull the stroller from behind. i said "excuse me" very very nicely. i'm-such-a-socialite-bitch must not have heard. my hand touched her bag briefly. one nanosecond. i timed it. she grabbed her bag, clutched it to her chest, and said "AY!". she then proceeded to look at me with her disgusted-you-are-so-low-i-even-thought-you-were-a-thief look. i was disgusted, as well. smiled a little smile that forced me to use the elasticity of my face for polite hypocrisy. left the airport. went home.

10:00 PM, April 1

bangkal, davao city. house. sleepy. slept.

journals and blogs

2004-03-30T00:01:00.000+08:00

this is my second official journal. the first official journal was written in a blue feather notebook. i started writing on that one around the 2nd week of november, 2001. it was the start of the second semester of my freshman year, and i bought that notebook for lecture purposes. as it turned out, i didn't need it. so one night, i was looking at it, thinking what purpose it might serve. tentatively, i wrote down my name. then my age. then my address. when it was all over, i looked at it and saw that i had written, in a single page, a summary of my traits, abilities, and personal attributes. the type that one answers in slumbooks and writes down on organizers.

i had fun with it. i had so much fun with it, in fact, that it turned out to be a very dangerous thing. yep, it eventually contained almost all the secrets that i could put to print and get hanged for. i didn't worry, though. it was safe with me. i trusted my previous roommates (they're not the type to snoop around my stuff), and besides, i kept it well-hidden.

my love for it, however, waned around february of 2002. if i recall correctly, it was around valentine's day that i decided to stop. not that that date mattered or had anything to do with my loss of interest, but... there you are. i just didn't feel like writing anymore.

there were, of course, other journals before and after the first official journal, but these weren't "official" in nature. they lacked the comprehensiveness and duration needed for me to consider it official. sometimes they were just tidbits reminding me of some interesting events. sometimes they felt like the start of another official journal, but i ended up losing interest in them even just after a few days' time. brandnewwreck (my other not-so-dearly departed blogsite) is one these failed writing conquests. i found another one inside my computer, locked and password-protected. this journal just contained three entries. as i was reading it, it made me laugh, it made me sigh, it made me feel nostalgic of the years gone by (that rhymes!). the dates of the entries? march 30, 31, and april 1. yeah, it was this mini-journal which prompted me to write about it in this second official journal of mine in the first place.

here is an excerpt:

March 30, 2003, 4:34 AM

I really don't know why I'm going to start this journal thing again. This ended a year ago, and even though I continued writing, the gaps between the dates were growing increasingly large. Until, of course, I finally stopped. I guess the fire within me died.

I used to write so passionately in that journal. Almost every night during the second semester of my freshman year in college, I wrote. I wrote about everything: my grades, my parents, my friends, the hellishness of ROTC and biology, the heaven of Spanish and math. Each thought was separated by a dot in the middle of the space, every event was written within the safety of the lines. Almost every night for eighty nights. That may not mean so much for the average autobibliographer, but hey, I'm no Drew Barrymore. It's tough writing, but it was fun. It really was. Then it was gone.

Why? I guess so many things occupied me after that. Maybe it was the finals, or the multitude of exams I had to take. Or maybe it was an unknown and unseen force at work, pulling invisible strings to create a new Fate-patterned design. I don't know the answers to these things. I just lost it.

The last "real" entry was on February 15, the day after Valentine's. I think I even entitled the entry as such: The Day After Valentine's. Oh no, nothing memorable happened during Valentine's Day, just ate out with the guys from Cervini. Friends. [some stuff omitted - kerwin]

Anyway, the day before Valentine's, I was already looking for someone new to be with [some stuff omitted - kerwin] for that day. Nothing special about it, really, just wanted to be with someone else for the occasion. I texted the people in my phonebook (those I liked, anyway), but they had prior plans. So in the end, it was just me and the Cervinians having dinner at Ken Afford.

(Hey. I'll continue this tomorrow, I feel rather really sleepy now. Good night. -Kerwin, at 4:55 AM.)

sorry for the omissions. the text was incriminating me. hee.

some reminders

2004-03-28T23:03:00.000+08:00

papa called me awhile ago and said that he already bought a plane ticket for me. april 1. that's next thursday. i'm enthused about it, thinking of the home-cooked meals, the pokemon games with my brother, and the biblical talk with my other brother (it's quite weird, isn't it?). but this enthusiasm is quite subdued, as i have a lot of things on my mind lately, and many of these require immediate action. these tasks are actually weighing me down!

resolution: i should stop slacking off. i should stop procrastinating. i should stop facing the computer (unless it's for work). really. the internet's all that i immerse myself in lately. as if i didn't have anything else to do! so here are some reminders for me. if i'm able to do these within the next few days, i might actually get to relax (for real) and just wait for april 1 to arrive:

1. list down the march attendance of the dormitory assistants, and write down the report before tuesday ends.
2. finish the dormitory scholars' manual before tuesday, as well.
3. give nina, my deputy head, all the stuff she needs for the summer and 1st semester sign-ups and registration.
4. encash the checks.
5. clean the room and place all of my stuff in boxes.
6. return the vcds to video city.
7. give the laundry van man (mang jerry) my laundry.
8. pack my bags.

i guess that's pretty much it. i pray that i'll be done by wednesday, because i'll be going places and buying pasalubong for my family at that time. sigh... no more tests and yet i still have all these? what-a-lyp.

all about movies

2004-03-28T00:50:00.000+08:00

i just watched ju-on 2 with aa, candace, and alfredo. it was alfredo's idea. i already had my reservations regarding the movie (as i was sorely disappointed with its predecessor) and if not only for the fact that i had already watched the butterfly effect, i would have opted to re-watch that movie instead. hee. not that ju-on 2 sucked as much as ju-on. in fact, i though it was creepier and more coherent than the first movie. however, it still couldn't rise to the level of fear i had when i watched the ring (the japanese version, of course).

anyway, i won't go much into nitpicking the film, as this is not one of my movie reviews. i just think the film provides a great excuse to profess my love for movies. yes, i'm a movie lover (perhaps a "bad-movie-lover" at that). every week for the past two years i have never failed to watch at least one movie. i've tried my best to keep track of them, but somewhere between matrix revolutions and the hulk, i lost count.

so many movies, whew! and i have no desire to stop. i think that movies for me are outlets by which i release all the tensions brought by the academic and emotional stresses of a college life. especially now that i have the independence, the finances (hee), and the company to back me up, i don't think i will ever stop. movies are fascinating things, and my engagement in them is even more fascinating still. sometimes, i just wonder how many hours i have spent in moviehouses, worrying whether we could get the front seat, resisting the urge to go to the comfort room, controlling the intake of popcorn lest we'd be left with none even before the trailers end, smiling, weeping, laughing. i wonder if it was all worth it. and if it wasn't, i wonder what it was that i could have done.

interesting questions really, but the answers aren't really within my reach. who cares, right? people have accused me of being too serious, of thinking too much, and i guess they're right... for now. right now, all that is that i can do is to sit back, relax, and watch a movie.

a whirl of what ifs

2004-03-27T00:22:00.000+08:00

movie review #1: the butterfly effect.

i have a list of the last five movies i've seen (see right side of this blog), and i rated the butterfly effect with a 92 out of a perfect 100. i reconsidered it, thinking it might be a little too high, but... nah. i thought the grade was fine as it was. of course, as experience would dictate it, critics disagreed with me, even stating that the movie was "a bad-movie-lover's heaven, and a good-movie-lover's hell." i guess i'm a bad-movie-lover. tsk, tsk. poor me.

the thing about movies which critics highly acclaim is this: they're good, no doubt about it, but they fail to bring out the more tumultuous emotions in me. yes, they make me smile. yes, they make me sad. yes, they make me widen my eyes in pleasant surprise. but they don't make me pierce my sides in laughter. they don't make me weep in overwhelming sadness. they don't make my jaw drop in awe. (of course, given that this is a personal rule, it also has personal exceptions.)

the butterfly effect made my jaw drop in awe. it was the very idea of changing one's past that pulled me in. i have always been a sucker for movies, television shows, and books which play with the idea of what-ifs and what-nots (sliding doors, sliders, choose your own adventure series) and the butterfly effect is a kick-ass, straight-in-your-face whirl of what-if scenarios. it portrays the reality and gravity of regret, grief and loss in an over-the-top, yet strangely sensible manner. if you had the power to change your past and save your loved ones, wouldn't you do it? wouldn't it make sense? of course, the lead, evan treborn (ashton kutcher), finds out that changing the past may have devastating effects on the future. he learns, as the film's slogan would have it, that to change one thing is to change everything.

one of the critiques critics had for the film was its obscenely genuine cruelty. i would not go into details here (to prevent spoiling those who not yet watched the film), but let it suffice to say that indeed, the film was cruel. but that's the environment the film was working on. the film would not have had such an effect on me if the cruelty was to be taken out of it. i would not have cringed in fear, i would not have choked in dismay, i would not have felt the pain in each of the characters. in fact, the different dimensions (i cannot find any other word for it) evan treborn went through would have seemed ordinary if not for the genuine cruelty which was present in each and every one. i thought that cruelty was the driving force that pushed evan treborn to begin moving back in time in the first place.

another critique is that there were too much erratic movements in the film. evan treborn kept coming back in the past like a raving lunatic. well, i didn't want to reduce such movements in time, because i truly enjoyed these scenes where i felt like i was being transported back in time with evan treborn. besides, i believe there is logical reason why he kept coming back. he wanted to rectify the mistakes he made in the past. of course, he should have realized that everything just wasn't coming together the way he planned, that in fact everything seemed to be going worse. but remember that the more he changed the past, the more wacky his future went, and the more desperate he became. he was then trapped in a vicious cycle that threatened to destroy his mind. in that state, it was difficult for him to think steadily, especially now that so much had been sacrificed, and yet so much remained at stake.

of course, i'm not all roses about the film. if i was, i would have given it a perfect mark. like all critics, i found that ashton kutcher, the host of punk'd, was a poor casting choice. everytime he appeared on-screen i half-expected him to be punking one of his co-actors. hee. i also remember snickering at his acting at some parts. well, i thought he didn't really try to create a new facet for the character, one that would remove him from the "comic" mold he placed himself into. other than ashton kutcher, though, i thought there was fine acting among the cast, especially among the child actors (watch out for evil, evil, evil tommy).

all in all, i say that it was a great film. one of the best indicators of this was that after jeland and i watched the film, we were conversing about the regrets we had in our lives, whether we would change them, and how we would change them. i realized, in the course of our conversation, that it didn't really matter. we may ask all the what-ifs we want, we may even be able to change the course of events in our lives, but in the end, we are all going meet some finality. what really matters is to whom we made the choices in our lives, and whether we stood by them or not.

a cranky story

2004-03-25T23:38:00.000+08:00

i sounded pretty cranky yesterday. hee. my friends know that when i don't get sleep, i tend to become a little, itsy bitsy pissed. oh well. i have always thought sleep was more important than food, and this just confirms that belief. the good thing is, thanks to 10 hours of nonstop sleep, and an additional 4 hours of wonderful siesta, i'm now all fine and dandy.

study now: pay, drink, eat, sleep, chew, swallow, breathe later

2004-03-24T22:07:00.000+08:00

i lacked nourishment. i lacked play. i lacked sleep.

but all of that changed as of 330 pm last march 24. my finals were over. i may be at the end of my wits and senses at this point, but damn it all, my finals were done. i feel, however, that i must go through all of it again. just to digest the totality of the whole thing. just to grasp the hardships i had taken. or just to make sure that i don't miss anything as i write this blog.

let me begin with my previous blog entry. that entry was written amidst the company of articles about premarital sex, homosexuality, invalid marriages, concubinage, and the like. i was studying for my theology exam then. it turned out (and this really is the most maddening thing), that i didn't really need to study the whole thing. i just needed to understand the last chapter of the book. yes, a part of me sighed in relief during the examination proper, but in retrospect, i could have used all that time studying for more fascinating subjects...

...like philosophy, which was my test yesterday. it was a test was done in oral form, and this type of test is the most frightening and vomit-inducing of all. it's amazing, really. you need to study 12X12 hours for a 12-minute talkfest with your teacher. hee. anyway, when i say "vomit-inducing," i do not mean that the subject's gross or disgusting. (quite the contrary, in fact.) i just dry-heave a lot on the oral exam day itself. my stomach seems to be in a constant state of coil and recoil moments before the oral exam starts. fortunately, everything went well. my love of philosophy just soared right there and then...

...which turned out to be the climax of my tuesday, because my lack of sleep eventually overtook me at some point and i lost all interest in studying for my remaining two exams. i woke up, realizing that 1) i wasn't in my dorm; 2) my blockmates sam and joey were staring at me; and 3) i was in mcdonalds with a huge red mark on my forehead. this jolted me out of my stupor (with a lot of effort and self-flogging [hey, hey, not that kind] involved). i bought a cup of coffee, and began studying for my math and history exams...

...and these two i took awhile ago. one right after the other. after the math test was done, my blockmates and i ran from one building to another, and i felt like i was in an episode of amazing race where my partner and i were trailing all other teams. i half-expected phil to appear by the door and eliminate us. of course, phil didn't appear, but my history teacher did. it turned out the race wasn't over. i was racing time trying to solve pesky differential equations during the math test, and still i was racing time figuring out socio-political issues during the history test.

sigh. thank God the race is over.

i have fed myself with pork hotcha and sweet banana (courtesy of tapa king). i have immersed myself in reading the recap of the latest american idol episode (courtesy of twop). i have fulfilled my promise to blog (courtesy of my previous post). but i am yet to fulfill my need for sleep. forgive me for leaving early, but the buck has got to stop here. the road has got to end. the rose has got to wither. the candle-- ok, enough eschatological metaphors already. i'm spent.

good night.

quick note

2004-03-21T00:19:00.000+08:00

as i've said in my previous entry, it's my finals week this week. so pray for me guys as i immerse myself in differential equations, invalidating marriages, Rizal's definition of revolution, and the characteristics of genuine love. by wednesday, i'll be done, and i'll be back. until then... ciao! :D

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just a side note: i just saw the butterfly effect (hmmm... this sounds familiar) last night. great, great film. my comments on it this wednesday.

be an actuary

2004-03-18T23:22:00.000+08:00

my hell days temporarily ended last tuesday. after going through last-minute time series paper changes, enduring a sucky defense in theology, and making a career out of the final journal in philosophy, i was done... for the meantime. a school-week from now, it will be the end of march. and the end of march can only mean one thing: the finals. but let us not think about the hell ahead, shall we? this brief reprise is very much welcome, and i must take advantage of this break the best way that i can: by thinking about my future. hee.

the thing that had me thinking about my future (again) was a video i saw from one of the actuary sites i frequent. it basically described what it means and what it takes to be an actuary. needless to say, although the video was only ten minutes long, it was enough to suck me in. a few seconds after it was over, i was thinking about my dream job again.

it has been my dream to graduate from college and be able to take a job in an insurance company as an actuary. i want this job, not only for the obvious financial reasons, but because it entails work which i think i'll love. mathematics has always been a passion, and although my love for it has waned throughout my years in college, i feel that the abundance of mathematics in the acturial field will boost my interest in it yet again. furthermore, i think that the job is a very progressive one. i feel that i won't be bogged down by the monotony of the work, since i get to advance at so many different levels. on the one hand, i will get to enhance my mathematical and technical skills. on the other, i will get to improve on my communication and social skills.

i have taken the first steps in realizing this dream, and it has not been easy (ask anyone who took the actuarial electives with me). especially now that at every opportunity, doubt strikes. at times i find myself asking: can i do it? can i really pass the numerous tests? what if i fail? what if no one accepts me? what if someone does? what next? what if i realize i don't want this after all? am i capable of sacrificing the time i can spend with my loved ones and with myself? these questions come one after the other in my mind. the sad thing is, i can't really silence these nagging voices. the only thing i do and will continue to do is to just push through with the plan. hopefully, i can find enough strength from myself and from the people around me to ward off the shadows that these doubts may cast.

teachers

2004-03-17T00:05:00.000+08:00

my philosophy teacher recently wrote this in her blog:

"Sigh. Last day of classes. Always a little sad, especially because I, unlike many other instructors, have my students for an entire year rather than just a sem. It's kinda weird having seen them twice a week every week for one entire year, and then suddenly realizing that I will probably never see many of them ever again (except maybe for a quick nod in the corridor). The year always ends a little too abruptly."

i was touched by this because, primarily, i recognized the truth of it all. the end did seem abrupt. my last philosophy class awhile ago did not have the finality or closure i wanted it to have. it seemed strange that during the entire length of the period, i wanted to do something that would convince me that it was all over, that it was all done. i then realized what i really wanted to do: i wanted to thank her for a year well-spent, for patiently teaching us this pleasantly mindboggling subject, for bearing through our uncomfortable silences, our distracting noises, and our short attention spans. in short, i wanted to let her feel my appreciation for what she has done for us. unfortunately, a small group of people approached her after class, and i didn't really want to say "thank you" in front of others. i then left the room, carrying with me the weighing certainty that i have failed to do what i should have done.

of course, i do not always feel this way about each and every teacher who comes walking inside the classroom. there are the bad teachers, and i never want to do anything with these people again; there are the good teachers, but somehow failed to engage me; and there are the superb teachers, who, in their own way, managed to capture my mind and my heart. these are the teachers who recognized my potential and relentlessly tried to bring it out. these are the teachers who did their jobs well because they knew that they would have an impact on me. these are the teachers who took me seriously. these teachers have strengthened my faith in the belief that, indeed, teaching is the noblest profession of all. my philosophy teacher, my college english teacher, my statistics teacher, my calculus teacher, my 3rd year and 4th year high school math teachers all fall under this category. i cannot anymore elaborate on the impact they had on my life, but let it suffice to say that whatever things they taught me will remain with me forever.

to all these teachers, i want to say "THANK YOU." you have made all the difference.

who is the real american idol?

2004-03-14T23:14:00.000+08:00

is your answer fantasia barrino? eeengk. wrong. jon peter lewis? eeengk. wrong again. diana degarmo? latoya london? leah labelle? eeengk. wrong. wrong. and wrong. neither is it any of the remaining contestants. the real american idol, ladies and gentlemen, has got to be william hung.

last week, i saw the american idol special which showcased the awful rejects of the initial auditions. of course, the highlight of the show was william hung, who unflinchingly told the viewers everywhere that he already signed up for a musical contract with a bona fide recording company. i thought it was an unnecessary, cruel, and sarcastic jab at the naive mr. hung, making him believe in such, but it turns out, i was wrong. from what i've read in the forums recently, it is true. william hung is now a recording artist. who would have thunk it, right?

this may seem to prove that the real american idol is mr. hung. people loved him! they really did! he didn't even need the show to serve as a jumpstart for his singing career. whoever wins the american idol title gets to release his or her album only a year (more or less) after he or she wins, but mr. hung gets to release it in way less than that time. i bet his 15 minutes of fame will seem much longer than the 15 minutes of fame of most of the 12 finalists.

but of course, we all know the real story. he's in the losing end. he's in the limelight to be laughed at. yes, i guess it's okay to laugh at these people for the entirety of the season (where the show repeatedly tortures us with horrible footages of these rejects) because i think they themselves are partly to blame. they knew the consequences, and yet they still went on. some of them (those fame whores who just love to mug the camera and flaunt their talentless, yet shameless selves) may even deserve this. karma, so to speak. but from what i saw from the interviews and other video snippets, i think mr. hung was sincere in pursuing this dream, even how delusional it was to most of us. maybe i'm just fooled by the innocence of his face or the ignorance in his words, but that was how he came across to me. to mess with the guy's head is just cruel. and it's appalling to see the support this cruelty is getting. american idol, of course, but i already expected this kind of humiliation from that classless show. but other recording companies? wtf? i don't get it. who would want to buy his album? wouldn't he just be driven into a greater depression once he sees the sales for his album? i, for one, won't be buying it (if ever it finds its way here in the philippines).

who's the real american idol? i don't know. i'm a filipino, and i shouldn't even care about a show that i can't even participate in. much more so when said show lacks class and prides itself in humiliating people. but all the same i'm hooked. what does that say about me? i don't like to admit it, but i guess i'm as much a loser as william hung is.

a tale of two blogs

2004-03-13T23:25:00.000+08:00

i found myself smiling when i saw how serious my previous posts have been. i admit it. i wanted this blog to reflect the more introspective and more melancholic side of me. the other blog was to be reserved for those days when i have nothing in mind but a barrage of rants or a running list of things to do. or to buy. but then i realized that i could not possibly continue doing this without tearing myself into two. this is me, this is kerwin, this is my totality. blogging should reflect this totality. besides being a complete waste of time, space, and bandwidth, splitting myself (or my blogs) in two would just defeat the purpose of blogging.

but then again, maybe that's not the only reason why i decided to have two blogs. i found the other blog difficult to maintain and manage. what i had in mind upon riding the blog bandwagon was a simple site with just enough "flashy things" to create an atmosphere suitable for writing. what i had in mind was a blog site that would appeal to me and would make me want to write in it again and again and again. but i guess i failed on both counts. first, the skin i chose for my blog was simple enough for my tastes, but then i included a lot of things that were not really necessary. i got distracted with the idea of a super interactive mega site that i lost track of what was important: writing what i felt was relevant for me. second, although the skin was simple, it proved to be boringly simple. after a while its charm lost its hold on me. i visited it less and less often, and wrote on it even lesser still.

so i turned my sight on other blogs. i then found this. i worked on it a lot, changing the images that were present (no offense to the maker of this skin, stephanie), adjusting it so it fitted the title i had in mind. i already had a fascination with the title (and the subject) then, and even more so when i posted my first entry and even more more so when i arranged the format of the site. and now i think this is good enough for me. simple, elegant, type-worthy. your mileage may vary, of course.

now what do i do with the other blog? i guess it's time for me to move on. to make the halves whole again. i'm sorry brandnewwreck, but your time's up. i guess you're not so brand new anymore. you're just a wreck.

longing for home

2004-03-13T19:24:00.000+08:00

joseph in his blog said that he missed the philippines. well, i don't really miss the philippines, since i'm already here, but i sure miss davao. i went home last christmas, and three months may seem short a time to be whining about going home again, but sometimes things get lonely around here. not alone, there are always people here to talk to, to engage with, but lonely. like there's an emptiness inside that itches and nags. then again, it's not always like this. one of the greatest blessings in my life is having people who care and actually look out for me. and if they're not there, there are always the acads to think about (and God knows how much of that i've been balancing lately). but the thing is, these people have their own lives, and sometimes they're just simply far away. and there are times when acads do nothing to alleviate this emptiness (especially if what you're doing borders on the mundane and the nonsensical). it is during these times of inactivity that i feel this urge to go home the most.

unlike in manila, i don't feel detached in davao. this may sound deep, but really it's not. i just feel that everything connects there. i have my family, i have my friends, i have things that busy me (no matter how trivial they are), i have things that relax me. and everyone and everything is within my reach. i go home each day to find a family who loves me and whom i love back. my brothers may annoy me to no end, but i know that they care about me. my parents may constantly reprimand me (and most of which is certainly true), but beneath all these i know how proud they are of me. and of course my friends, if ever they come home from their respective universities, are just a phone call away.

of course, davao itself is one of the reasons why i want to go home. manila's the place for opportunities, but davao's the place to be. i don't know if i have said this already or not, but davao is really a beautiful place. i'm really glad that we settled there after years of treading new grounds. the air, the water, the people, the place... everything feels so peaceful and calm.

thankfully, it's already march. a few weeks from now and i'll be back in davao, frolicking in the beach while watching kuya scaring kenneth with his creepy "shark" attack. and of course, with me laughing heartily all the while.

the butterfly effect

2004-03-11T17:54:00.000+08:00

it was michael crichton who first introduced me to the idea of the butterfly effect. michael crichton is not my favorite author (stephen king's got the throne on that one), but, no doubt about it, he's one of the best technically proficient fiction authors i know. what do i mean by this? well, one thing that differentiates michael crichton's kind of horror from stephen king's kind of horror is that stephen king's "monsters" tend to be more supernatural in nature, while michael crichton's tend to be more technical in nature. guys out there who are fans of both would have realized this the moment they read king's the stand and crichton's the andromeda strain. both books narrate cases of widespread death. both books exploit the "contagiousness" of the disease-at-hand. both books discuss the effects of such an epidemic in a society. but king continues the next chapters by shrugging the epidemic off and focusing on the interplay between good and evil that ensues; crichton, on the other hand, continues by focusing on how the epidemic was contained. less on emotions, but more on technicality. of course, this is not the only example i can find. jurassic park's another, and michael crichton nailed my mathematical senses with this one. it was here i first learned the idea of the butterfly effect.

the butterfly effect, quite simply, refers to the astounding effects a small event can induce in a system, especially with multiple iterations. take, for instance, the butterfly example. a butterfly, so the math adage goes, flaps its wings and sends out the first ripple of effects: a spore gets caught in its wings and gets diverted somewhere, a traveller notices it and tries to capture it, etc. these events send out the second ripple of events, and this magnifies with every ripple. in the end, it can be cataclysmic in nature, such as an earthquake, or a satellite breakdown, or the death of the pope.* in mathematics, this can be related to the concept of fractals (example: snowflake). the system of angles seems stabilized at first. reiterate the fractals and slowly the system becomes unstable. it becomes hard to handle. in the end, it crashes. it burns.

those who know me would understand that this fascinated me to no end. i don't know if it aroused the mathematician in me, or just my curiosity with the unknown. perhaps both. you see, the butterfly effect is closely related to chaos theory, which borders on the line between the sureness of mathematics and the uncertainty of real life. the chaos theory simply states mathematically what we have come to know since we began thinking: you cannot predict everything. isn't it great that some branch of mathematics actually deals with the uncertainty of things? the brain of man never ceases to amaze me. really.

i have shifted from topic to topic like a butterfly fleeting on a bunch of flowers. hee. i'll stop here now. as a final note, some of you might be wondering: why the antibutterfly effect? well, see the entry on march 8. that explains a lot. to put it simply, i have found order in an otherwise chaotic life. :)

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*just a side note: this is just a mathematical illustration, of course. to know more about the butterfly effect, check out this funny yet great site. it gives a detailed account on how a butterfly in new york can cause an earthquake in china. very interesting read.

the antibutterfly effect

2004-03-08T19:37:00.000+08:00

one flap of a butterfly's wings and the weather changes. one stroke of a pen and the nation crashes. one breath and the whole world collapses.

the butterfly effect. system becomes sensitive to initial conditions. system becomes unpredictable at very iteration. system crashes. system burns.

but my world does not crash and burn.

held by a kiss.
held by a hug.
held by an Atlas who dares not shrug.