November 03, 2004
the end
The end is, of course, inevitable. I've written about it a few times, especially when I wrote about that "mood" for writing. But eventually, it doesn't boil down to the mood. It boils down to how honest one's blog has become. I guess I just thought that this blog hasn't been as honest as it was when it began. And so I end it.
It's been a wonderful 9 months.
Thank you.
Goodbye.
October 18, 2004
justice
Justice is when, after waking up at 730 in the morning (a time you're not accustomed to), and after doing some errands a roommate has given you, you are able to catch that breakfast meal you've been craving to eat in McDonald's or Jollibee. Injustice is when, after waking up at 730 in the morning (a time you're not accustomed to), and after doing some errands a roommate has given you, you still have to search the entire Katipunan block for a functioning ATM, and upon finding none, you thereby miss those delicious pancakes you've been craving all night last night and you have to settle for a lousy Burger Steak breakfast instead.
Justice is when, upon realizing that lunchtime is near, you go to the nearest ATM to withdraw money and you get it, thereby enabling you to partake of a very sumptuous meal. Injustice is when, upon realizing that lunchtime is near, you realize that you have not yet been able to withdraw money, and when you do go to a nearby ATM, you see that it doesn't want to have a transaction with you, and when you go to the next, you see that it still doesn't want to have a transaction with you, and so on and so forth, and finally you have to ask your friend to lend you money, which makes you indebted to so many people that both you and they have lost count.
Justice is when, after getting an invitation for dinner, you walk a long distance from your dorm towards your meeting place, glad to find a working ATM and finally having a taste of that elusive homecooked meal. Injustice is when, after walking a long distance from your dorm towards your meeting place, you find that the ATM is OFF-LINE, and now you have to ask your blockmate to walk with you as you search the entire Katipunan block for a working ATM, and still you find none, thereby forcing you to ask your blockmate to lend you money again, which makes you indebted to an additional person, and since you have lost count of the number of people you owe money to, it might as well be adding one to infinity.
Justice is when, upon hearing that your computer is so slow that it can be mistaken for a turtle, your roommate immediately installs his extra 128 MB RAM in your computer and presto! Your computer's sluggishness is no more. Injustice is when, upon trying to fit that long slender thing in the slot in vain, you and your roommate realize that what your computer needs is a DDRAM, not an SDRAM which his is, and when he bolts the CPU back into place, the monitor suddenly won't show a goddamn thing.
Justice is when, after packing up the clothes you wish to bring to Zambales tomorrow, you look for one of your most favorite shirts, and you see it lying neatly inside the cabinet, all washed and fragrant. Injustice is when, after packing up the clothes you wish to bring to Zambales, you look for one of your favorite shirts and find it missing, prompting you to search high and low for it, spoiling your day further, and making you lose a teeny little bit of excitement for the whole vacation thing.
Justice is when you have money for the trip to Zambales tomorrow. Injustice is when you have none.
But what is justice really? Is it really what I'm looking for? I think what I just want to have is 1) a functioning ATM, 2) an extra 128 MB DDRAM, and 3) a cool outfit to wear. Is that justice? What is justice?
Justice is having to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Justice is having clothes to wear.
Justice is having to study on a vacation and enjoying it.
Justice is having a wonderful friend who's always going to be there for you, no matter what.
Justice is having a blockmate to help you when you're in need, even when things happen in the spur of the moment.
Justice is having a roommate whom you can rely on.
Justice is having a bosom buddy whose ears are always attentive, whose mind is always open, and whose heart always stays in the right place.
To the defenders of justice. To justice.
October 16, 2004
vacation?
IT'S VACATION TIME! :)
Instead of going back home, I'll be staying in the dorm. I'll immerse myself in junkfood while watching a cheesy flick or a horror movie, drown myself in warm and fuzzy blankets and pillows, and engage myself in many battles with Kagami and Kouryu. I'll sleep late, and I'll do everything in a slow, sluggish, I'm-definitely-not-stressed manner. I'll text people asking them about their vacations, chat with people in YM at night, and watch Star Circle National Teen Quest in the TV room above me. I will definitely do all these, and I will definitely enjoy myself.
Except that I'll be doing all these things only for today, and for tomorrow. Hee.
By Monday, I'll be studying. I've mentioned this once, I've mentioned this twice, I'll mention it again: I will be preparing for my acturial exams this November 4. Yes, that means that my vacation will be marred by this endeavor, but no matter. I think I'll thoroughly enjoy myself (and that's not just justifying anything). Every day for the next two weeks Joey and I will be at McDonald's (or any house), poring over chi-squared functions and triple integrals. I don't know, it's suddenly all just exciting for me. Hee.
Okay, this will be the last time I'll talk about this (crosses fingers). Hee.
October 13, 2004
excitement
1. End of exams. I'm almost there. Just three more days. Three more days.
2. Zambales. How does a three-day, two-night, all-expense-paid-and-taken-cared-of trip to Zambales with 15 other teenagers sound? Yeah. I thought so.
3. Laguna. How do homecooked meals and fresh air sound? Again: I thought so.
3. Studying for the actuarial test. I'm such a geekoid. I'm really excited about the idea of solving Statistics and Calculus problems during the break, can you believe it?
4. The actuarial test. I've mentioned this last week, I think, but this could be my future job. Great!
And just one more thing: WAHOOOOOOOO!!!
October 10, 2004
sunday morning
But the weather is really nice. It brings out the less violent, yet more consistent emotions in me (now I'm channeling Hume). Like gratitude. I feel thankful for everything nice that has happened to me. I feel thankful for every single person who appreciated me. I feel thankful for the things they did to make me feel that I'm special. I don't know what this is all about, but it's just that I have this immense feeling of peaceful happiness coursing through me right now. Weird, but nice. Ticklish nice.
I wish all my mornings were like this. :)
October 08, 2004
examination of examinations
Anyway.
I have two exams left. So how were the first three? My philosophy orals went well, I think. After the orals, though, I got the results of my last exam, and it was depressing as hell. And I thought I knew how to answer philosophy questions. I guess I thought wrong.
My math orals (yes, yes, such a thing exists) went, well, OK. I think my answer for the Easy question was right (thanks Wamar and Joey), but I felt that I was too nervous to make any lucid arguments. I nailed the Easiest question, but I blundered my way out of the Easier question. My teacher had to guide me through that one. He was particularly nice, though, so even if the whole thing was a disaster, I'm glad he knew me and seemed to be OK with me.
The history report was disappointing. Sam and I planned the whole thing to be this spectacular ending to an otherwise mediocre semester in history, but forces outside of our influence went against us. So instead of ending the reports and the semester with a BANG!, it ended with a Pfft. So much for that B then.
There. Three down, three more to go. I have another orals in Theology on Tuesday, a paper in Finance to pass on that same day, and an Actuarial Exam on Saturday. After which, I'll be out on a trip with my blockmates. That would serve as my only rest for this semestral break. The rest of it will be spent on studying for my very first actuarial exams (my future job! yay!), to be held on the first week of November. I'm so excited, I just can't hide it.
That's it for now.
October 06, 2004
the bliss of studying
I think I'm going to feel this high more often for the next two weeks. I have a Philosophy orals for tomorrow (of which I have not yet finished studying for), a Complex Analysis orals for Thursday (yes, we do have orals in Mathematics), a History reporting for Friday (that does not require studying, but it does require some academic preparation), a Theology orals for Tuesday next week, and an Actuarial exam on Saturday. Wish me luck, guys, and if you ever see me on campus wearing a huge smile on my face, you don't have to ask me why.
October 03, 2004
* whirl, whirl, whirl *
the world spins and spins and spins * there he is * there * by the window * but the moon * spins and spins * his shoulders must be tired * the world must be wondering * where is he? * but there he is * and so am i * the world just watches * just waits * just wonders * watches, waits, wonders * whirl, whirl, whirl * headache * the world is evil * but * a blur * my mind is a blur * my mind is a whirlpool * no * yes * no * yes * no * again, that hole * that hole inside my heart * i wish i never left * move in * i must move in * movement * like whirl * the whirl, whirl, whirl * the shoulders must be tired * the hands must be tired * the back must be tired * is that a voice fading? * is that a voice coming? * doppler effect, indeed * headache * headache * falling into slumber* falling into darkness * love * i love * i miss * i love * i love * love, oh, love * 27 * it is 27 * love * love * I LOVE * i must break * i must surrender * i must fall * fall * crack the barrier * crack the obstacle * crack the darkness * BRING FORTH THE LIGHT! * 2 weeks * 2 weeks, then rest * need rest * need to be with love * need to be with calmness * need to be myself * need, that need, that need * gnaws * eats * another kiss from the moonlight that shines upon my soul * in the end, it is between me and myself * a duel between the voice that says yes, and the voice that says no * WHAT THE FUCK IS ALL THIS? * stop it * stop * a smile * hee * that smile * i want to rest in that place where the stars shine brightly during the night * where the food is homecooked * where the mother and the sister and the two brothers eat with the stranger from the south * where the lakes are plenty and where the wind blows strong * where the air is calm and the mood is full of rest * where the atmosphere is love * where the heart is clear * where the mind is rested * where there is peace * where there is peace of mind * watch me lord over myself * i am the captain of my ship, the master of my soul * oh yes, i am * watch me * watch me * i will survive this *
whirl whirl whirl
whirl whirl
whirl
...
September 30, 2004
that mood for writing
Another reason is that I'm getting tired of the way my blog looks. Suddenly, I have this drive to create images and overload my blog with pictures. Suddenly, I have this urge to make this blog uber-fantastic. Hee. It's ironic, really. I distinctly remember that the demise of my very first blog (brandnewwreck.blogspot.com) was the result of too much blog ambitions. Have I never learned? Well, maybe, but we need a little bit of perking up sometimes. We don't want to get too monotonous.
But the main reason of all, the big fish that swallows all others, is that I feel I have not been truly truthful in writing on this blog. It's not that all of these things are fantastic lies; I assure you they are as honest as honest can be. OK, maybe "truthful" is not the word I'm looking for. Perhaps "reticent" is. That is, I hesitate a lot when I write my entries. I try too much to be careful, to be on the safe side. And the problem lies herein. A lot of things don't get mentioned. I feel that I have not been completely myself. Sometimes I wish I could just write with reckless abandon, without having to fear the backlashes or the consequences. Sometimes I wish I could just let go and let loose. What's stopping me, then? Well, a lot of things. They do need not to be mentioned here.
Sometimes I miss my old journal, the one whose entries were written by hand during godforsaken hours, each comment separated by a floating point. Those were pretty fucked-up entries, but boy, were they liberating.
September 28, 2004
fear
Yeah, well, I might be exaggerating a little there, but the fact remains: the horizon isn't so bright anymore. I just got a freaking 40/100 in Complex Analysis, and this is one subject this sem which I really loved and whose teacher I really appreciated. How much worse do you think I'd fare in other subjects which I loathe and whose teachers I despise? Sigh. I do not like my academic life this sem. Not one bit.
As of last sem, my over-all QPI has averaged at 3.38 or 3.39, which entitles me to graduate With Honors. After this sem, I fear that this average will go down to a level that entitles me to graduate With Nothing. And what saddens me most is that I promised my parents (especially Papa) that I'll graduate with an honor standing at the very least. If he knows the current state of my academics, his heart will be crushed. He has such huge expectations of me.
My only wish right now is that even if I don't become a Dean's Lister this semester, I must be able to salvage my grades such that my QPI will not go below 3.2. That way, I can work my ass off the next semester just to maintain a higher-than-3.35 standing, guaranteeing me a spot in the Honors List.
This entry has become an academic rant. Hee. I don't want my grade-consciousness to be exposed so blatantly, but my fear has to have an outlet somewhere, and the blog is always a convenient socket (aside from friends who I burden with my rants, hee).
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Just a side comment: One of the subjects which I fear to have the most impact on my grades this semester is my Philosophy 104. I have not been paying much attention to his class this sem, and besides, even if I did, I do not like his way of teaching. It's too disorganized for my tastes. It seems like his train of thought jumps from one track to another, and before I know it, he has already mapped out the entire lesson for the session. (Unlike Ms. Azada last year, whose style of teaching was one I truly appreciated.) Just to clarify things, I do not dislike the teacher because I think he's not brilliant; in fact, he is truly one of the most brilliant people I know. It's just his way of teaching that upsets me.
Now, to my point (what a side comment, huh?). I have a test this Thursday regarding Kant and Hume. I have been at my wit's end trying to find a way to gain knowledge of what these two philosophers are talking about. I felt really helpless and hopeless. I felt that I knew nothing. But miracles do happen. AA has a copy of a commentary regarding Kant written by Josef Velasquez. It is the clearest, easiest-to-follow commentary regarding Kant I have ever seen. In 2 hours, I have in mind the gist of Kant's philosophy. I am eternally relieved right now. My fear has somewhat subsided. Thanks, AA, and thanks, Josef Velasquez. You are saviors.
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