September 30, 2004
that mood for writing
Another reason is that I'm getting tired of the way my blog looks. Suddenly, I have this drive to create images and overload my blog with pictures. Suddenly, I have this urge to make this blog uber-fantastic. Hee. It's ironic, really. I distinctly remember that the demise of my very first blog (brandnewwreck.blogspot.com) was the result of too much blog ambitions. Have I never learned? Well, maybe, but we need a little bit of perking up sometimes. We don't want to get too monotonous.
But the main reason of all, the big fish that swallows all others, is that I feel I have not been truly truthful in writing on this blog. It's not that all of these things are fantastic lies; I assure you they are as honest as honest can be. OK, maybe "truthful" is not the word I'm looking for. Perhaps "reticent" is. That is, I hesitate a lot when I write my entries. I try too much to be careful, to be on the safe side. And the problem lies herein. A lot of things don't get mentioned. I feel that I have not been completely myself. Sometimes I wish I could just write with reckless abandon, without having to fear the backlashes or the consequences. Sometimes I wish I could just let go and let loose. What's stopping me, then? Well, a lot of things. They do need not to be mentioned here.
Sometimes I miss my old journal, the one whose entries were written by hand during godforsaken hours, each comment separated by a floating point. Those were pretty fucked-up entries, but boy, were they liberating.
September 28, 2004
fear
Yeah, well, I might be exaggerating a little there, but the fact remains: the horizon isn't so bright anymore. I just got a freaking 40/100 in Complex Analysis, and this is one subject this sem which I really loved and whose teacher I really appreciated. How much worse do you think I'd fare in other subjects which I loathe and whose teachers I despise? Sigh. I do not like my academic life this sem. Not one bit.
As of last sem, my over-all QPI has averaged at 3.38 or 3.39, which entitles me to graduate With Honors. After this sem, I fear that this average will go down to a level that entitles me to graduate With Nothing. And what saddens me most is that I promised my parents (especially Papa) that I'll graduate with an honor standing at the very least. If he knows the current state of my academics, his heart will be crushed. He has such huge expectations of me.
My only wish right now is that even if I don't become a Dean's Lister this semester, I must be able to salvage my grades such that my QPI will not go below 3.2. That way, I can work my ass off the next semester just to maintain a higher-than-3.35 standing, guaranteeing me a spot in the Honors List.
This entry has become an academic rant. Hee. I don't want my grade-consciousness to be exposed so blatantly, but my fear has to have an outlet somewhere, and the blog is always a convenient socket (aside from friends who I burden with my rants, hee).
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Just a side comment: One of the subjects which I fear to have the most impact on my grades this semester is my Philosophy 104. I have not been paying much attention to his class this sem, and besides, even if I did, I do not like his way of teaching. It's too disorganized for my tastes. It seems like his train of thought jumps from one track to another, and before I know it, he has already mapped out the entire lesson for the session. (Unlike Ms. Azada last year, whose style of teaching was one I truly appreciated.) Just to clarify things, I do not dislike the teacher because I think he's not brilliant; in fact, he is truly one of the most brilliant people I know. It's just his way of teaching that upsets me.
Now, to my point (what a side comment, huh?). I have a test this Thursday regarding Kant and Hume. I have been at my wit's end trying to find a way to gain knowledge of what these two philosophers are talking about. I felt really helpless and hopeless. I felt that I knew nothing. But miracles do happen. AA has a copy of a commentary regarding Kant written by Josef Velasquez. It is the clearest, easiest-to-follow commentary regarding Kant I have ever seen. In 2 hours, I have in mind the gist of Kant's philosophy. I am eternally relieved right now. My fear has somewhat subsided. Thanks, AA, and thanks, Josef Velasquez. You are saviors.
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