March 30, 2004

journals and blogs

this is my second official journal. the first official journal was written in a blue feather notebook. i started writing on that one around the 2nd week of november, 2001. it was the start of the second semester of my freshman year, and i bought that notebook for lecture purposes. as it turned out, i didn't need it. so one night, i was looking at it, thinking what purpose it might serve. tentatively, i wrote down my name. then my age. then my address. when it was all over, i looked at it and saw that i had written, in a single page, a summary of my traits, abilities, and personal attributes. the type that one answers in slumbooks and writes down on organizers.

i had fun with it. i had so much fun with it, in fact, that it turned out to be a very dangerous thing. yep, it eventually contained almost all the secrets that i could put to print and get hanged for. i didn't worry, though. it was safe with me. i trusted my previous roommates (they're not the type to snoop around my stuff), and besides, i kept it well-hidden.

my love for it, however, waned around february of 2002. if i recall correctly, it was around valentine's day that i decided to stop. not that that date mattered or had anything to do with my loss of interest, but... there you are. i just didn't feel like writing anymore.

there were, of course, other journals before and after the first official journal, but these weren't "official" in nature. they lacked the comprehensiveness and duration needed for me to consider it official. sometimes they were just tidbits reminding me of some interesting events. sometimes they felt like the start of another official journal, but i ended up losing interest in them even just after a few days' time. brandnewwreck (my other not-so-dearly departed blogsite) is one these failed writing conquests. i found another one inside my computer, locked and password-protected. this journal just contained three entries. as i was reading it, it made me laugh, it made me sigh, it made me feel nostalgic of the years gone by (that rhymes!). the dates of the entries? march 30, 31, and april 1. yeah, it was this mini-journal which prompted me to write about it in this second official journal of mine in the first place.

here is an excerpt:

March 30, 2003, 4:34 AM

I really don't know why I'm going to start this journal thing again. This ended a year ago, and even though I continued writing, the gaps between the dates were growing increasingly large. Until, of course, I finally stopped. I guess the fire within me died.

I used to write so passionately in that journal. Almost every night during the second semester of my freshman year in college, I wrote. I wrote about everything: my grades, my parents, my friends, the hellishness of ROTC and biology, the heaven of Spanish and math. Each thought was separated by a dot in the middle of the space, every event was written within the safety of the lines. Almost every night for eighty nights. That may not mean so much for the average autobibliographer, but hey, I'm no Drew Barrymore. It's tough writing, but it was fun. It really was. Then it was gone.

Why? I guess so many things occupied me after that. Maybe it was the finals, or the multitude of exams I had to take. Or maybe it was an unknown and unseen force at work, pulling invisible strings to create a new Fate-patterned design. I don't know the answers to these things. I just lost it.

The last "real" entry was on February 15, the day after Valentine's. I think I even entitled the entry as such: The Day After Valentine's. Oh no, nothing memorable happened during Valentine's Day, just ate out with the guys from Cervini. Friends. [some stuff omitted - kerwin]

Anyway, the day before Valentine's, I was already looking for someone new to be with [some stuff omitted - kerwin] for that day. Nothing special about it, really, just wanted to be with someone else for the occasion. I texted the people in my phonebook (those I liked, anyway), but they had prior plans. So in the end, it was just me and the Cervinians having dinner at Ken Afford.

(Hey. I'll continue this tomorrow, I feel rather really sleepy now. Good night. -Kerwin, at 4:55 AM.)

sorry for the omissions. the text was incriminating me. hee.

posted by kerwin ray :: 12:01 AM :: ""