September 30, 2004

that mood for writing

My enthusiasm for this blog has somewhat waned. I'd like to think that it must be the stress of my academics taking its toll on my writing, but deep inside, I know that is not the case. There have been many times when I've been busy and haven't been able to blog, but the moment I get the opportunity to blog, I blog. Right now, that fire, that mood for writing is gone. Looking at it in another perspective, however, maybe my academics do play a crucial part in affecting my writing. But that is not the only reason.

Another reason is that I'm getting tired of the way my blog looks. Suddenly, I have this drive to create images and overload my blog with pictures. Suddenly, I have this urge to make this blog uber-fantastic. Hee. It's ironic, really. I distinctly remember that the demise of my very first blog (brandnewwreck.blogspot.com) was the result of too much blog ambitions. Have I never learned? Well, maybe, but we need a little bit of perking up sometimes. We don't want to get too monotonous.

But the main reason of all, the big fish that swallows all others, is that I feel I have not been truly truthful in writing on this blog. It's not that all of these things are fantastic lies; I assure you they are as honest as honest can be. OK, maybe "truthful" is not the word I'm looking for. Perhaps "reticent" is. That is, I hesitate a lot when I write my entries. I try too much to be careful, to be on the safe side. And the problem lies herein. A lot of things don't get mentioned. I feel that I have not been completely myself. Sometimes I wish I could just write with reckless abandon, without having to fear the backlashes or the consequences. Sometimes I wish I could just let go and let loose. What's stopping me, then? Well, a lot of things. They do need not to be mentioned here.

Sometimes I miss my old journal, the one whose entries were written by hand during godforsaken hours, each comment separated by a floating point. Those were pretty fucked-up entries, but boy, were they liberating.

posted by kerwin ray :: 9:50 PM :: ""